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caraRiGHT DEPosm 



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I (Denhon^ Royalty ^lay:s Wk 



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QAnd "T/ome 
Cayne Ted ^ 



by 
Walter Senlhf are 



Tl S. "DenUon &" Company 

^ubli:sher:i • Chicago 

"Price SO Cent^ 



m^ 




Plays for Schools and Colleges 

AARON BOGGS, FRESHMAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 
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AFTER THE GAME 

By LIndsey Barbee. Comedy in 2 acts; 1 male, 9 
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ALL A MISTAKE ~ ~ ~~~" 

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ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY 

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AS A WOMAN THINKETH 

By Edith F- A, U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts; 9 males, 
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AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 

By LIndsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males. 14 fe- 
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By Waiter Ben Hare. Drama in 3 acts; 6 males, 5 fe- 
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By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement play- 
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THE GRADUATE'S CHOICE 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement playlet; 12 
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T. S. Denlson & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 






'AND HOME CAME TED 



America — the land we love 
America--- all else above 
America the beloved, 
America ! 



^ -^ -^ 



DEDICATED TO MY PAL, 

C4n American Soldier, 

JAMES ARTHUR McCREA 



And Home Game Ted 



A Comedy of Mystery in Three Acts 
Guaranteed Under the Pure Fun Laws 



BY 

Walter Ben Pare 

AUTHOR OF 
"Aaron Boggs, Freshman/' "Abbu San of Old Japan/' 
"Civil Service/' "A College Town/' '*A Country Boy 
Scout, " "The Fascinators, " "Kicked Out of College, " 
"Laughing Water/' "Macbeth a la Mode/' "Mrs, 
Tubbs of Shantytown/' "Parlor Matches/' "A 
Poor Married Man/' "Rose o' My Heart/' 
"A Rustic Romeo, " "Savageland, " "Sew- 
ing for the Heathen, " "A Southern Cin- 
derella, " "The White Christmas, and 
Other Merry Christmas Plays," 
etc, etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



P535I5 , .„ 

(Please Read Carefully 

THE professional sta^e -rights in tKis play 
are strictly reserved by the author, to whom 
applications for its use should be addressed 
in care of the publishers. Amateurs may obtain 
permission to produce it on payment of a f ee^ of 
ten dollars ($10.00) for each performance, in ad- 
vance. Correspondence on this subject shoul^ be 
addressed to T. S. Denison & Company, 154^W. 
Randolph Street, Chicag,o, 111. 

^ ^ B" 

Attention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyrig^ht Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rights, as follows : 

Sec. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infringe any copyright secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringe- 
ment, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon 
conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for 
not exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one 
hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or 
both, in the discretion of the court. 



^ ^ ^ 

* 

COPYRIGHT, 1917, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

COPYRIGHT. 1920, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

C4U Rights Reserved 

FEB 27 (S.:0 



AND HOME GAME TED 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS FOR SIX MEN AND SIX WOMEN 

CHARACTERS. 

(In the order of their appearance,) 

Skeet Ket.i.y The Clerk 

DiAXA Garwood The Heiress 

Miss Logaxiu:kkv The Spinster 

Ira Stone The Villain 

Aunt Jubilee The Coolc 

Mr. Max The Mystery 

Jim Ryker The Lawyer 

!MoLLiE Macklix The Housekeeper 

Henrietta Darby The Widow 

Ted The Groom 

P^LsiE The Bride 

Sexator M'Corkle The Father 

Scexe: The office and reception room of the Rip 
Van Winkle Inn in the Catskill Mountains. 

Act I. An afternoon in April. What happened 
to Ted.? 

Act II. The same nigh I" . Who was the burglar.? 
Act III. Tlie next niornino-. Who was ^Ir. Man? 

Time of Playixg — Two rind one-quarter hours. 

5 



AND HOME CAME TED 
THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 



a 



•And Home Came Ted" is a sprightly comedy of 
mystery in which there is an abundance of fun with- 
out any taint of impropriety or any element of of- 
fense. The thrilling story is cleverly written and 
the interest of any audience is held from the begin- 
ning to the end by a series of dramatic situations 
rising from one climax to another until the final 
denouement at the close of the last act. 

The action of the comedy occurs at the Rip Van 
Winkle Inn in the Catskill Mountains and the plot 
lias to do with a struggle for supremacy in a furniture 
factory between Ted, the rightful heir, and one Ira 
Stone, an unscrupulous adventurer, who is trying to 
gain control of the business. Ted i3 assisted by 
Mollie MackHn, the plucky little housekeeper of the 
Rip Van Winkle Inn. 

The first act of the play takes place the day before 
the annual meeting of the stockholders of the factory 
and according to a clause in the by-laws of the 
company every stockholder must register with the 
attorney by midnight preceding the meeting. Ted 
holds the controlling interest but Mollie is in despair 
because he has failed to come home in time to sign 
the register. The attorney is ready to receive Ted's 
signature, the other stockholders have signed, the un- 
scrupulous Stone is anxiously waiting to see whether 
his forty shares will gain him the control of the 
business, and Molly and Skeet Kelly, the hotel clerk, 
are eagerly waiting for the train. It comes, but Ted 
does not arrive. Finally, as a last desperate chance 
to save the factory from Stone, Mollie and Skeet 
persuade a young civil engineer to impersonate the 
missing Ted. The plan seems to be working out well, 



AND HOME CAME TED 7 

Stone is thoroughly discouraged, and all is going 
as merry as a marriage-bell when the lawyer, Jim 
Ryker, explodes a bomb by announcing that he is 
personally acquainted with the real Ted. Mollie 
and Skeet, having already introduced the bogus Ted 
to the other stockholders, are at their wits' ends to 
know what to do, when the lawyer mysteriously dis- 
appears and the engineer is formally presented as 
the young heir. 

Complications come fast and furious in Act II, for 
the real Ted has been the boyhood lover of a comedy 
old maid and she is anxiously awaiting his return. 
The engineer is kept busy trying to escape from the 
spinster and at the same time tr3'ing to further his 
own heart interest in Diana Garw^ood, a guest at 
the Inn. Ted comes home and brings a bride w^ith 
him, but the resourceful Mollie hides them in the 
basement. The plot is further complicated by a 
m3'Sterious widow from Honolulu, who has a pen- 
chant for playing the ukulele and singing "Aloha 
Oe" to any man available. She, too, owns stock in 
the furniture company and places it in the safe at 
the Inn for the night and all the guests retire after 
an evening of dancing in the dining room. Mollie 
has locked up the place for the night and has just 
put out the lights when a noise is heard at the office 
window. Mollie conceals herself and a mysterious 
form steals into the darkened room and begins to 
rifle the safe. Mollie gives the alarm but the mys- 
terious burglar escapes and with him the shares of 
stock owned by the lady from Honolulu. 

The third act takes place on the morning after the 
robbery. Slowly, bit by bit, the many mysteries of 
the play are solved, surprise follows surprise and 



8 ' AND HOME CAIME TED 

the dramatic situations in this act fairly teem with 
Kfe and sustaining interest. A mysterious, d^af old 
farmer appears, the lady from Honolulu turns out 
to be the lawyer's ex-wife, Ted turns out to be some- 
body else, the robber is located, the real Ted turns 
up, the unscrupulous Ira Stone is temporarily victo- 
rious but later ignominio^usly routed, and the faith- 
ful little housekeeper, ]Mollie Macklin, finds the road 
to happiness with Skeet, the boy from tlie Bowery. 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 

Act I. 

Hotel desk or counter. 

Keyboard with several keys. 

Register (large book). 

Stationery. 

Curtains at window and doors. 

Fur rugs. 

Settle. 

Two rustic tables. 

Telephone. 

Screen. 

Rocking chair. 

Several easy chairs and rustic chairs. 

Blooming flowers in pot. 

Safe. 

Andirons and fender. 

Auto horn (to be honked outside). 

Sling (white bandage) for Skeet. 

Red sock and knitting needles for Miss L. 

Magazine for Diana. 

Ukulele for Henrietta. 

Basket for Aunt J. 

Large grip for Man, aiiothcM* foi- Hen^iietta. 



AND HOME CAME TED 

Five fancy lemonades (pink) on small tray. 
Glass crash (outside). Pieces of broken 

crockery or glass in small soap box. 
Dinner chimes near hotel desk. 

Act II. 
Grips for Ted. 

Phonograph (off stage at L.). 
Lunch on tra}. 

Small jewel-case containing bonds. 
Candle for Aunt J. 
Electric flashlight for Jim. 
Lighted lamp for Aunt J. 

Act III. 

Broom for Aunt J. 

Glass of water for Skeet. 

Pack of cards for Jim. 

Dinner bell on the counter for Mollie. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Skeet — A slangy, good-natured boy of about 19, 
obviously from the East Side of New" York City. 
Act I : Gray trousers, too tight and too short but 
not to the point of burlesque, black jersey, gaudy 
hose, low 3^ellow shoes with "hard-boiled egg" toes. 
Same costume in Acts II and III, except change to 
a misfit dress suit in Act II, as indicated in the text 
of the play. His right arm is in a sling during the 
entire play. This must be noted at rehearsals to 
prevent undue awkwardness on night of performance. 
He wears a cap when going outside. 

Diana — A dashing, self-reliant, athletic girl of 
SO, preferably a blonde. Act I : Pale green and 
white outing costume. Act II: Elaborate w^hite and 



10 AND HOME CAME TED 

silver evening dress with white cloak or lace shawl 
when she exits C D. Act III : Pretty light colored 
morning dress. 

Miss L. — A kittenish old maid of 43, hair gray 
and arranged in an exaggerated fashion. Large 
library spectacles throughout play. Act I : Gaudy 
afternoon dress, change to trailing dinner dress of 
bright color. Red feather in hair and red feather 
fan. Act III: Gaudy morning toilette. 

Stone — -A chunky villain, aged 40, with iron gray 
hair, bushy eyebrows and a down-curving mustache 
a la Bismarck. Act I: Afternoon suit, light over- 
coat, derby hat, change to dinner clothes. Act 
II: Dinner clothes. Act III: Same as first suit in 
Act I. 

Aunt J. — A negro mammy. Old shoes, calico 
dress, kerchief, apron and bandana or dust cap in 
Act I. Act II : Same costume but change to white 
party dress as indicated in play. Act III : Same as 
Act I. Use prepared burnt cork for make-up with 
a little water, but no grease or cold cream. Remove 
make-up with warm water. 

Man — A rather tall, good looking, athletic chap 
of 23. Act I : Laced boots, brown trousers, brown 
flannel shirt, old brown coat and felt hat. Large 
grip. Change to dinner clothes. Act II: Dinner 
clothes. In Act III, white outing suit. 

Jim — A typical business man of 25. Act I: Neat 
afternoon suit, change to dinner clothes. Act II: A 
complete change in make-up and costume. Gray or 
white wig and whiskers. Old-fashioned boots. Far- 
mer suit of gray or tan, celluloid collar, large Stet- 
son hat, long old-fashioned overcoat, bandana, spec- 
tacles. Walk with a cane and bend over. The voice 



AxND HOME CAME TED 11 

should be completely changed when he is disguised. 
Much care should be given to this farmer impersona- 
tion, as the success of the play depends on the de- 
ception of the audience by this character. In the 
burglar scene he must make another change as the 
audience must not be allowed to suspect that the 
burglar is either Jim or the farmer. 

MoLLiE — A A^vacious, self-reliant, country girl*of 
20. Act I : Simple dark street dress, hat and gloves. 
Act II: Simple evening dress with white lace collar. 
Act III : Similar to Act I. Note : Do not overdress 
this part. Any fairly competent actress can win the 
audience entirely in this character without the super- 
ficial aids of elaborate make-up or costuming. 

Henrietta — A striking brunette of 26. Act I: 
Long traveling coat and large elaborate hat. Quick 
change to brilliant dinner dress cut en traine. Act 
III : Elaborate walking costume. 

Ted — Quick in action and speech. A boyish man 
of 22. Elaborate walking suit throughout play. 
Neat hat, spats, gloves, etc. 

Elsie — Nervous and very excited at all times. 
Neat traveling dress and coat. Lace blouse. Hand- 
some hat. Small satchel. 

Senator — Aged 50. Very pompous and com- 
manding. Gray wig and mustache. Face well made 
up. Neat walking suit suitable to age and station. 
Eyeglasses and cane. 



12 AND HOME CAME TED 



Interior Back. 

.-,, . Interior Backing 
Window 2 



Left 



I ' ; • ( Door I y 

Right / D Chair I I Table □ r^^.^^^ \ 

/ 'with Phone Safe ^-O? \ 

^-j^' ^^oe Screen Table , ^21' 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right 
center; L., left; 1 £., first entrance; JJ, E,, upper 
entrance; R, S E., right entrance, up stage, etc.; up 
stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near foot- 
lights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



AND HOME CAME TED 



The First Act. 

Scene — The office and reception room of the Rip 
Van Winkle Inn in the Cat skill Mountains, There 
are three openings in the boxed interior set, L., 
R. and C. C. leads into a rear hallway with open- 
ings R, to veranda and L. to front yard. The 
other two openings, R. and L,, are about half-way 
back, the R, leading upstairs (stairs may be vis- 
ible if desired) and the L, leading to the dining 
room. 

In the upper L, corner of the stage is the hotel office 
desk, with mail-box, keys, register, stationery, etc. 
Behind this desk, and concealed from the audience, 
is a trap-door supposed to lead to the basement. 
If the trap is not easily arranged, it could be simu- 
lated by the performer, who is supposed to descend 
into the basement, bending his knees and gradu- 
ally disappearing, finally crawling out of a con- 
cealed hole in upper L, corner, 

A large fireplace, preferably of rough stone, appears 
at R, midway between footlights and the door R, 
A large window appears in upper R. corner, show- 
ing mountains beyond. This window is about two 
feet from the floor and must be arranged to be 
easy of access as several characters make quick 
exits through it. Tapestry curtains are draped 
in front of the window and over entrances R, and 
L, Fur rugs on the floor. 

For furniture use a bark-covered rustic porch set if 
possible. Large settle faces fireplace. Rustic table 

13 



14 AND HOME CAME TED 

up R, with small chair before it and a telephone 
on it. This table is concealed by a three-paneled 
screen. Larger table down L. C. Rocking chair 
R. C. Several rustic chairs around the stage. 

Pots of bright flowers, palms, etc., appear at con- 
venient nooks. Stag horns and a few framed pic- 
tures on walls. Small office safe near desk. And- 
irons, fender, etc., in front of fireplace. 

Lights on full throughout the first act. Stage well 
illuminated by foots and borders, as the time is 
mid-afternoon. Strong bunch of yellows shine 
through the window and C. D. 

Discovered : Skeet Kelly seated back of desk up L., 
sound asleep with his head on the desk. His right 
arm is in a sling. Miss Loganberry is seated in 
rocking-chair at R. C., knitting a red woolen sock, 
and Diana Garwood is seated on the settle half 
facing the fire and half facing the audience. She 
is reading a magazine. 

The curtain rises to orchestral music, ^^Farewell to 
Thee (''Aloha 0^"), the national song of Hawaii. 
Bird calls are heard and the distant clamor of cow- 
bells. 

Enter Ira J. Stone from C. D., wearing auto cap. 
coat and gloves. He advances briskly to the desk. 

Skeet Kelly. 
(Gives a subdued snore.) 
Ah, hum! (End music.) 

Ira J. Stone. 
(Raps briskly on the desk.) 
Hello, hello! Is anybody home.? 



AND HOME CAME TED 15 

Skeet. 
(Awakens suddenly, rubs eyes, yawns and stretches.) 
I'm home. Jest as I was goin' to fall heir to fifty 
million dollars and marry the lady of me choice, I 
gotta go and wake up. 

Stox^. 
(Sharply.) 

What are you doing, running a summer hotel or 
a sleeping car on the C. & A.? 

Skeet. 
Aw, who's lettin' off all that steam? Whatchei^ 
think y' are, the twelve o'clock whistle? 

Stone. 
I want Room 10. 

Skeet. 
(Pushes the register toward him.) 
Go as far as y' like. It ain't nailed down. 

(Stone registers. Diana comes down R. to Miss L.) 

Miss Loganberry. 

That's Ira' J. Stone from the village. Tremen- 
dousl}^ rich but horribly vulgar. A perfect barba- 
rian. (Starts to rise.) I'll introduce you. 

Diana Garwood. 

Is he the man who treated MoUie Macklin, our 
little housekeeper, so shamefully? 

Miss L. 

(Knitting.) 
Yes. They were engaged, but when he found out 
that old Mr. Gilmbre didn't leave her any stock in 
the Furniture Factory he — (pauses). 



16 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 

(Completing the sentence "with withering scorn,) 

He jilted her and broke the heart of one of the 

finest girls I ever met. That's the kind of a man 

he is. -IT T 

Miss L. 

He owns forty shares of stock in the Furniture 
Company and used to be the general manager until 
old Mr. Gilmore caught him in some underhanded 
work and discharged him. He's up here for the di- 
rectors' meeting tomorrow and will probably stay 
sometime. You'd better let me introduce him. 

{Before Diana has time to reply, Stone comes 
down L, C. to Miss L.) 

Stone. 

(Pleasantly,) 

Ah, Miss Loganberry, still knitting for the 

heathen.^ ^^ ^ 

Miss L. 

(Sharply.) 

Yes. Is there anything I can make for you.'^ 

Stone. • ; 

(Not catching the fling.) 

Beg pardon? 

Skeet. 

(Laughs,) 

Ha, ha! Did you hear that.?^ She landed one right 

on his solar plexus. 

Stone. 

Oh, you mean that I'm a heathen.^ (Laughs in a 

forced manner.) That's good. Awfully clever. 

(Glances at Diana, then hack to Miss L.) Well, if 

you want to make something for me, you might make 

an introduction. (Smiles at Diana.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 17 

Diana. 
(Turns her back to him, walks to rear, then to desk.) 
Oh, Skeet, would you mind telling me the correct 
time? My watch has stopped. (She converses with 
Skeet in pantomime.) 

Stone. 
(After a slight pause,) 
Hm ! Well, what do you know about that.'^ Who 
is the high and mighty princess, anyhow? 

Miss L. 
I suppose you are referring to Miss Gamvood. 

Stone. 
(Surprised,) 
Not the rich Diana Garwood? 

Miss L. 

(Pointedly.) 
The rich Miss Diana Garwood. 

Stone. 
Good. I got to make her acquaintance. She ow^ns 
five shares in the Furniture Company, inherited them 
last year from her mother's folks, and she's worth 
nearly two million. Yes, I'll have to meet Miss Gar- 
wood. Her five votes may come in handy at the 
stockholders' meeting tomorrow. (Turns up L. 
toward Skt:f.t.) Boy! (Pause, then louder.) Boy! 
(Skeet pays no attention to him.) Front! 

Skeet. 
(Calmly.) 
The boy ain't here. He's off taking his annual 
vacation in the Holy Land. You'll find your room 
up one flight, second door to the left. (Talks in pan- 
tomime /o Diana.) 



18 AND HOME CAME TED 

Stone. 
That's the usual accommodation one gets in this 
hole. {Crosses to R. E.) You'll find a traveling bag 
in my car. Bring it up to my room, and don't be 
all day about it. {Exits i?., hanging door.) 

Miss L. 

{Rising,) 

Ugh ! I can't tolerate that man. The last time 
he was here my Gertrude took a terrible dislike to 
him. {Crossing to R. E.) They simply couldn't get 
along together at all, and every one knows that Ger- 
trude has the disposition of an angel. He saw her 
in the hall one day and deliberately stepped on her 
tail. She bit him in the vestibule and they haven't 
been on friendly terms since. {Exit R.) 

Skeet. 
{Comes down L. from behind desK\) 
Did you hear what that fish called me.? Boy! I'd 
like to put a head on him. 

Diana. 

{Comes down R. C.) 
I'm surprised that he'd have the front to come 
here to the Rip Van Winkle Inn. I should think he'd 
be ashamed to look honest M.ollie Macklin in the 

face. ^ 

Skeet. 

{Comes down to her L.) 

Why.? ^ 

^ Diana. 

Didn't you know.? He was the man MoUie was 

eng-ao-ed to. ^ 

^ ^ Skeet. 

I never knew she was engaged to any man. 



AND HOME CAME TED 19 

Diana. 

It was broken off. He expected old Mr. Gilmore 
to leave her the shares in the Furniture Company, 
because she had managed the hotel for him and 
worked hard taking care of him for fifteen years. 
When Stone found she wasn't mentioned in Mr. Gil- 
more's will he told Mollie that a marriage to her was 
impossible and hasn't been near her since. 

Skeet. 

(After a pause looks at right arm.) 

And me with me right mitt in a sling. I gotta 

notion to beat him up anyway. So he t'rowed her 

down, did he? The rat! I'd like to hammer him to 

a jelly and then fling him at her feet. 

Diana. 

It was a lucky escape for Mollie. She's too good 
a girl to throw herself away on such a cad. She's a 
mrl in a million. ^ 

° hKEET. 

(Grasps her right hand with his left and shakes it,) 
Thank y\ miss. Thank y' for them words. 

Diana. 

(Surprised,) 
Wh}', Skeet, what is it.? 

Skeet. 
(Bashfully twists his left foot around and looks at it, 

grinning,) 

Hm? Diana. 

(Amused,) 
What's the matter with you? 

Skeet. 
I dunno what it is. I'm jes' like the liberty bell, 
I guess — cracked clean across. 



20 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 

You're not in love with Mollie, are you? (Pause,) 

Are you, Skeet? ^ 

Skeet. 

I dunno what y' call it, but every time she looks at 

ine, gee! I feel jes' like a mule kicked in the left side 

a' me chest. -^ 

Diana. 

How did you happen to come up here to work, 

Skeet .f^ You're from the city, aren't you.^ 

Skeet. 
Sure. I come up here with a tunnel gang, but J 
had a accident over on the hill and Miss Mollie gave 
me a job here when the Inn opened Monday. 

Diana. 

What kind of an accident.^ 

Skeet. 

We had a cave-in at the end of the tunnel, and I 

•aved in with it. I fell about twenty feet; but that 

wasn't the worst. You see the men in the tunnel 

was blasting and I fell right alongside of a lighted 

fuse. ^ 

Diana. 

(Alarmed.) 

Skeet ! ^ 

Skeet. 

(Seriously,) 
Y' see I was workin' up above with the boss when 
all of a sudden the top caved in and I landed twenty 
feet below with me arm twisted under like that. (Il- 
lustrates with left arm,) I was stunned by the fall, 
but I could smell the smoke of the burning fuse. The 
charge of dynamite wasn't more'n two feet from m' 
face. Gee, miss, I shut m' eyes and tried to think, 
but I couldn't think. I tried to shout, but the words 



AND HOME CAME TED 21 

wouldn't come — and all the time the fuse was burnin' 
closer and closer to the keg. I heard someone holler 
high overhead and then the boss slid down on a rope, 
facing death every second of the time. He grabbed 
me and they pulled us up. He was just in time. A 
minute later the charge exploded and blew out the 
whole end of the tunnel. 

DiAXA. 

{Enthusiastically,) 
Oh, Skeet, it was grand. He was a hero. He 
saved 3^our life at the risk of his own. I never heard 
of anything so noble. 

Skeet. 
Tliere ain't nothin' I wouldn't do fer him, miss. 
Why, I'd cut off my right arm this minute if the boss 
wanted me to. 

Enter Aunt eTi eilee from L. 

Aunt Jubilee. 
{AtL.) 
'Scuse me, Mistah Skeet, but is any ob you-all 
done seen Miss Mollie.'' 

Skeet. 
She grabbed the little tin-lizzie by the horns, give 
it a kick and pushed tlic button. Honk! Honk! 
Down at the station. 

Aunt J. 
(Pu::ded.) 
Grabbed Lizzie who.^ 

Skeet. 
{At L. C.) 
The joy wagon, the gasoline cart, tlie baby rat- 
tler, the coal-hod on wheels, the two-by-four! Get 
me.^^ 



22 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 

Two-by-four? Boy, what kinda talk you talkin' 

to me? ^ 

Skeet. 

Gee, I gotta talk kindergarten to you. She took 

the automobile and drove it over to the station to 

meet the five o'clock train. 

Aunt J. 
I'm habin' a little trouble wif dat ole range in d' 
kitchin. It don't draw and it's smokin' sumpin spas- 
modic. ^ 

Skeet. 

What's the matter with it ? 

Aunt J. 
'Deed and I dunno whether it's de disintegrity ob 
d' stove-pipe, or if d' flue done got supercruscated. 

Skeet. 
Stir yer talk, auntie; stir yer talk; it's gettin' 

^^* Aunt J. 

If I's gotta talk kindergarten to you, den d' range 

is smokin'. ^ 

Skeet. 

No smokin' allowed in the kitchen. I'll go out and 
see what the trouble is. I'm the original little range- 
fixer from Hoboken. (Dramatically.) Fair daughter 
of the desert, I will lead the way, and fix the range 
before another day. (Stalks out at L.) 

Aunt J. 
(Looks after him, pauses,) 
Dat boy's gettin' too familiaritous with me, and 
he's gotta stop it. 'Kase if he don't I'm gwine to 
bust him on de head with a flat-iron. (Exit L., mut- 
tering to herself,) 



AND HOME CAME TED 23 

Mr. Man appears at C. D. from R. He comes 
down L. C. and looks at Diana, who is seated R. C. 
absorbed in thought, 

Mr. Man. 

Excuse me, is Skeet Kelly anywhere around.'^ 

Diana. 

(Who started at the sound of his voice,) 
Oh, how you startled me. 

Man. 

(Smiles,) 

I'm sorry. ta 

-^ Diana. 

I'm nervous this afternoon. I just heard a story 

that affected me very much. It happened over there 

at the new tunnel. Have you seen it.^ 

Man. 
Yes. I helped dig it. 

Diana. 
There was an accident, a cave-in. Is that right .'^ 

Man. 

(Smiles,) 
It isn't right, but it happens occasionally. 

Diana. 

Skeet fell down into the tunnel right near a keg 
of dynamite, and the manager went down and res- 
cued him, facing death at every second. Wasn't that 
glorious? He must be a man among men. (Pause, 
she looks at him,) Isn't he.^ 

Man. 

Well — er — (hesitates) he's a man, all right. 

Diana. 

You don't seem very enthusiastic. I think it was 
wonderful. I call him a hero, don't vou.^ 



24 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
I've heard him called worse things than that. 

Diana. 

Such nerve, such presence of mind, such strength. 
He went down there all alone and brought Skeet 



up to safety. 




Man. 


Yes, I know 


about 


it. 
Diana. 


Do you know him? 








Man. 


Yes. 




Diana. 


Intimately? 




Man. 


Rather intimately. 





Diana. 
I wonder if you'd take a message to him. A mes- 
sage from me. 

Man. 

A message? 

Diana. 

Yes. Tell him that a girl whom he doesn't know 

and whom he probably never will meet thinks that his 

action is worthy of a Carnegie medal. Tell him I 

think he is a man among men and that I am proud 

to belong to a country that breeds such men. 

{Pause,) You'll tell him, won't you? 

Man. 

{Looking at her earnestly, mueli impressed, speaks 

slowly.) 

Yes, I'll tell liim. 

Diana. 

Thank you. {Changes tone.) I thiuk Skeet is in 

ilie kitchen. I'll find him for you. {Exits L.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 25 

Max. 

{Looks after her, pauses, slordy smiles.) 
Proud to belong to ;i country that breeds such 
men. {Throws his shoulders back.) Yes, I'll tell him. 
{Crosses to door L., looking out after Diana.) 

Enter Jim Ryker from R. He goes to the desk 
find looks at the register. 

Jim Ryker. 
I wonder if Ted got in on the evening train. 
{Comes donm C.) ^^ 

AlAX. 

{Comes to L. C, recognizes Jim.) 

Jim Rvker ! ^ 

Jim. 

Well, by George! {They shake hands heartily,) 

Man. 

Are you alive? ^ 

Jim. 

Quite. ^_ 

Man. 

But I heard you had been drowned in Honolulu. 

Jim. 
Yes, tliat's what ever^'bod}^ heard. In Honolulu 
tliey still believe it is true. • 

Max. 

Is your wife with you? 

Jim. 
{Glances arouzd L. and li., comes close to ^NIan aiid 
speaks confidentially.) 
Not my wife, my widow. 

Max. 

•Widow? 

Ji.Ar. 

That's the reason I was drowned. 



26 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
I don't understand. -^ 

JIM. 

{Earnestly,) 
Old man, take a little tip from me. Don't ever 
marry a Honolulu widow. I stood it as long as I 
could, three months, to be exact, and then one dark 
and stormy night I {careless gesture with both 
hands) mysterioush' disappeared. 

:Max» 

Then it was all a fake? 

Jim. 

It w^as the only way I could get rid of her. You 
know these widows ; they hang on like grim death. 
There w^as no chance for a divorce. She wouldn't 
think of a separation, so I just got drowned. That 
w^as the easiest w^ay out. One night I went in swim- 
ming and the next morning they found my clothes 
on the beach. In the meantime I caught a vessel and 
returned to the States at once. 

Max. 

Why were you so anxious to get rid of her.? 

Jim. 

She was too affectionate. Every night she used 
to get her little ukulele and sing {sings) "Farewell 
to thee, farewell to thee." That's what gave me the 
idea. I thought I'd give her something to sing fare- 
well about. ^-. 

Max. 

Maybe she'll follow you over here. 

Jim. 
Oh, no. She'll never learn that I'm alive. She's 
probably singing "Farewell to Thee" to somebody 
else now. 



AND HOME CAME TED 27 

Man. 

I should think she would have been suspicious when 
the body didn't turn up. 

Jim. 

Not at all. She thinks that I furnished the salad 
course for the meal of an avaricious but well mean- 
in ^y shark. ^^ 

^ Max. 

Are you going back to her.^ 

Jim. 
Back to her.^ Aiter all the trouble I've taken to 
jM'ovide her with widow's weeds and black crepe .'^ I 
should say not. Half the w^orld Is between us and 
that's the way I want it to be. I'm here in the Cats- 
kill Mountains and she is probably singing "Fare- 
v>ell to Thee" to some other poor sucker in the moon- 
light on the shore at Waikiki {pronounced Wah-ka- 

lee'). ,, 

^ Max. 

I'm awfully glad to see you, old man. I suppose 

you're making a big success as a lawyer.^ 

Jim. 
Oh, I manage to keep the wolf from the door. But 
what are you doing dressed up like that.'^ 

Max. 

I'm an enc^ineer. ^ 

^ Jim. 

A civil engineer.^ 

Well, I'm not as civil as I might be. The governor 
wanted me to begin at the bottom of the ladder, so 
lie sent me up here with a gang of men to tunnel a 
hole through the mountain. 

Jim. 
How do you like it? 



28 AND HOAIE CAAIE TED 

Man. 

Not bad. We finished the job this morning, so 
now I'm free to do what I like. I think I'll stay here 
at the Inn for awhile. 

Jim. 

That's right. It's a fine old place. 

Max. 

There are several attractions for me here. 

Jim. 

Attractions? 

Man. 

I mean the mountain air and other considerations. 

Jim. 
The other considerations consist of an old maid, 
a negro cook, a housekeeper and Miss Diana Gar- 
wood. 

Man. 

Diana Garwood ! So that was Diana Garwood. 

Jim. 
Yes. Don't you know her? 

Man. 

No, I never saw her before today. I've been knock- 
ing about the West ever since college. And then her 
family and my family are not exactly (hesitates). 

Jim. 
She's Senator jNI'Corkle's niece. 

Man. 

Yes, I know, and the Senator and my governor 
haven't been looking at each other for twenty years. 
They fell out over a law suit years ago and never 
fell in again. 



AND HO.ME CAME TED 29 

Jim. 
Miss Garwood is a wonderful girl. 

Max. 

(Slowly.) 
She is — a wonderful girl. 

Jim. 

But cold as an iceberg. She won't have anything 

to do with men. 

Max. 

Perhaps she hasn't met the man yet. 

Jim. 
She's worth about two million. 

Max. 

Not much chance for a civil engineer, is there .^ 
Especially if he's not very civil. 

Jim. 
Sa}', you've got it bad. Come up to my room and 
have a Romanv Rve. 

Max. 
I thought the world had gone dry. 

Jim. 
It lias. But a little persuasion can dampen things 
up a hit. They serve their Romany Ryes in tea- 
cups nowadays. 

Enter Skeet front L, 

Skeet. 
{At L.) 
The boss! (Shakes hands at C. with Max.) Gee, 
I'm glad to see you. How's everything over at the 
tunnel.^ 



30 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Finished the job this morning. The men are leav- 
ing tonight. Do you want to go back to New York.^ 

Skeet. 

I should say not. I'm perfectly satisfied with the 

mountains. ^ ^ 

Max. 

You're the clerk here, aren't you, Skeet .'^ 

Skeet. 
(Swells up,) 
D' sekketery. That's me. I'm th' sekketery. 

Man. 

I suppose you have a room for me? 

Skeet. 
Sure, we have. You kin have the whole house if 
you want it. I'll give you the bridal chamber. 
{Goes to R,) It's up this way. Here, let me carry 
yer grip. 

Enter Aunt J. from L. with basket. 

Aunt J. 

Mistah Skeet ! ^ 

Skeet. 

Yeh. I got you. (Crosses to her.) What can I 

do for you now, my little mahogany mermaid? 

Aunt J. 
Please, sah, kin you git me a basketful o' 'taters 
from down in de basement. De perpendicularity ob 
dem basement steps is kinder exasperatin' to d' ro- 
tundity ob mah latitude. 

Skeet. 
Just a minute, Juliet, until I show this gent to 
his room. 



AND HOME CAME TED 31 

Jim. 
Never mind, Skeet. Give me the key. I'll show 
hira up. Come on. {Exit R,) 

Max. 

Skeet, if you go down in the basement, look out 
for the rotundity of your latitude. (Laughs and 
exists R.) c^ 

^ bKEET. 

Gimme the basket. {Takes it, goes behind coun- 
ter and goes down through the trap. See note at the 
beginning of act.) 

Aunt J. 

He's a man, he is, and he ain't afraid to go down 
in dat basement in de dark. But I's done heerd 
noises and rattles and groans down in dat basement, 
and dis yere cullud la^y ain't gwine to trust herself 
among spooks. 

Enter Miss L. from R., wearing trailing dinner 

dress, , ,. ^ 

Miss L. 

Has he come yet, Aunt Jubilee? 

Aunt J. 

No'm, not yet. Dem 'taters is way in de back 

part ob de basement. 

Miss L. 

I mean Ted. , ^ 

Aunt J. 

No'm, I don't reckon he's come, neither. Miss 

Mollie done drove over in de tin-lizzie two-by-four 

to meet him at de depot. 

Miss L. 
Oh, I'm so impatient. How do I look, Aunt Jubi- 
lee.^ How do you like my new dinner costume? (Re- 
pelves slowly.) 



32 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
Mighty perpendicular, mighty perpendicular. Dat 
cert'n'y am a lovely cos-toom. 

iNIiss L. 

I had it made for him. For Teddy. He liasn't 
seen me for over seven A^ears, but he'll remember, he'll 
remember. 

Skeet comes up from trap with basket. 

Sheet. 

{Handing basket to Aunt J.) 

There, nn^ little Killarney shamrock, there's the 

spuds. , T- 

^ Aunt J. 

Don't you git so pestiferous wif me, boy, 'kase if 

you do, I'm liable to exasperate you. 

Skeet. 

Back to the kitchen, Tessie Bell, you talk like a 

load of hay. , ^ 

*^ Aunt J. 

I might be a load ob hay, bo}^ but I cert 'n "3^ ain' 

gwinc to be took in by no young rake like you. 

{Tosses head airily and exits L.) 

INIiss L. 
{AtR.) 

Skeet, IS the afternoon train on time. ^ 

Skeet. 
Yes'm, It's been in twenty minutes. 

Miss L. 

Oh, I wonder if anything could have happened to 
Teddy. Hadn't you better go over to the station 
and see.^ 



Skeet. 
Maybe Miss Mollie had a puncture. 



..A 



AND HOME CAME TED 33 

Miss L. 

(Blankly.) 
A puncture ? Miss Mollie ? 

Skeet. 
I mean the car. Majbe the car had a puncture. 

Miss L. 
Skeet, I want you to do me a favor. 

Skeet. 
What is It.?- MissL. 

As soon as Mr. Ted arrives I want you to take 
him aside and tell him, just casually you know, that 
I am here. g^^^^^^ 

Tell him you're here. I got y'. Anything else? 
(Honk of auto horn outside C) 

Miss L. 

That must be iNIollie now. Oh, I can't see him, I'm 
so nervous. Mollie Macklin. 

(Outside C.) 

^^^^^- Skeet. 

Yes'm. {Ea:its C. D. to R.) 

Miss L. 

I can't meet him now. I'm too upset. Be still, my 
little fluttering heart, be still. I'll go to my room 
and compose myself. Ah, Teddy's home at last, at 
last. (Exits J?.) 

Mollie Macklin appears at C, D. She speaks 
over her shoulder and comes down L. 

Mollie. 
Come in and make yourself at home. 

Henrietta Darby enters C, P., followed by 
Skeet, carrying large grip, ''^1 ^ 

: c.^/, .'XI 

■ • Si ♦"^ 



34 AND HOxVIE CAME TED 

Henrietta Darby. 
{Near desk,) 
Thank you. Mollis. 

Skeet, take the lady's grip to Parlor B. 

Skeet. 
Isee,B. [At rear C.) 

]MoLLIE. 

Not I, C\ B, just letter B. 

Skeet. 
Let 'er be ! Gee, I ain't even smiled at her yet. 
( Henrietta registers,) 

]MoLLIE. 

Skeet, have you heard anything of Ted Gihnore? 

Skeet. 
Not a word. I thought he was coming with you. 

MOLLIE. 

So did I. And that's the last train tonight. Oh, 
just wait till I lay hands on that boy, that's all. lie 
makes me so mad. (Has removed her hat and jah'S 
it with hatpins viciously as site speaks,) 

Skeet. 
(A little closer to her,) 
That other bird's here. 

MOLLIE. 

What bird? s„^^^. 

Party by name of Stone. (IMollie r^^/'^/rr,v a ti- 
ger,) He's a fresh fisli, ain't he.^ I put hi.m in 
Room 10. MoLLiE. 

(Fiercely.) 
I'd like to put him behind tlie bars for life. 
Henrietta. 
(Comes doxcn R., looking around.) 
What a pretty place. 



AND HOME CAME TED 35 

MoLIilE. 

(Goes back of desk, removes coat, gloves, etc.) 
les, it IS. Henrietta. 

I believe I'll go up to my room. 

M01.L.TE. 
(Takes key from rack and gives it to Skeet.) 
Skeet, show Miss Darby uj). 

Henrietta. 

Thank you. g^^^^^ 

{Crosses to door R. with funny walk.) 
Walk this way. Henrietta. 

(Laughs.) 
Walk that way.^ I couldn't if I tried. 

Skeet. 
(To audience.) 
Gee, slie's a live one, all right, all right. I guess 
tliis job of hotel clerk's goin' to be worth the nione}^, 
even if I don't git a cent. , 

Henrietta. 
What is the rate for Parlor B.^ 

MOLLIE. 

Five dollars a day. 

Henrietta. 

Isn't that a little high.? 

Skeet. 
(At door R.) 
We have to be high. It's a high mountain. 

Henrietta. 
(Down to him a little.) 
It must be awfully cold up here in the winter. 
Don't you find it so? 



36 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
Who? Me? No'm, not at all. I live right on top 
of tlie range, the mountain range. 

Henrietta. 
{Laughs.) 
I believe you and I are going to be real good 

I'm always friends witli evcrj^ pretty girl I meet. 

Henrietta. 

{Laughs.) 

Girl ! Now I'm sure we'll be friends, Mr. Skeet. 

Skeet. 
Aw, tie a can on that mister stuff. To me friends 
I'm just plain Skeet. 

MOLLIE. 

We serve dinner in about forty-five minutes. You'd 
better get a gait on, Skeet. 

Skeet. 
Jellix, I'll bet a doughnut. This way, Miss. 
{Exit R.) Henrietta. 

Do we have to dress for dinner? 

MoLLIE. 

We generally do. 

Henrietta. 
Are there any men here? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes, there's one so far. And a party named Stone. 

Henrietta. 
Stone is evidently not a very close friend. 

MOLLIE. 

Close? Take it from me, he's the closest man you 
ever saw. 



AND HOME CAME TED 37 

Henrietta. 
What was that large building we passed about 
half way up the mountain? 

MOLLIE. 

That was Minerva Seminary. 

Henrietta. 
Oh, a fashionable college, I suppose. 

MOLLIE. 

TL y call it a finishing school. It teaches young 

ladies how to finish persons who aren't their social 

equals. 

Henrietta. 

Well, if dinner is to be at six, I'll have to hurry. 

{Exits R.) 

Soft music in orchestra, ^'Farewell to Thee.'* 
MoLLiE sighs, slowly crosses over to fireplace and 
looks in the fire pensively. She sighs again. Enter 
Stone from R, in dinner clothes. He starts to exit 
at C, and then sees Moleie, who has her back toward 
him. He removes his hat and comes tozcard her xmth 
extended hand. 

Stone. 

Ah, Mollie. (Moelie starts a little, straightens 
up and turns toward him, looking down,) I see 
you're still at the old Inn. It's been sometime since 
I saw you. {She slowly raises her eyes until they 
meet his, she gazes at him steadily, sadly. There is a 
pause. He turns away slightly,) I don't bear you 
any hard feelings, Mollie. In fact there isn't any 
reason on earth why we shouldn't be friends. {She 
turns her head away, hut is silent,) Of course things 
didn't turn out as I expected. 



38 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

(Bitterly, in a low pitch.) 
No, I wasn't mentioned in the will. 

Stone. 
(At R, C.) 

We'd never have been happy together as man and 
wife, struggling along on a miserable pittance. I'm 
a })oor man, Mollie. 

MOLLIE. 

(With a double meaning,) 
Yes, you are a poor man. 

Stone. 
(Takes a step toivard her,) 

Can't we be friends.^ 

MOLLIE. 

No. 

Stone. 

I'm sorry if I have offended you. 

MOLLIE. 

(Sadly hut steadily,) 
Sorry.? No, you're not sorry. The only thing 
you regret is that old Mr. Gilmore didn't leave me 
the controlling interest in the Furniture Factory. 
You neve,r cared for me, all you thought about was 
the old gentleman's money. Sorry! You've never 
been sorry in your whole life, Ira Stone. You don't 
know the meaning of the word. 

JSwi^r Skeet from C. D, He goes back of desk un- 
observed. 

Stone. 
I onl}^ acted for the best. 



AND HOME CAME TED 39 

MOLLIE. 

(Bitterly,) 
Yes, you acted. It was all acting from the very 
beginning. I thought you cared for me. I was a 
fool. Your every look, your e\eYy action, your 
every word was — a — lie! (End music.) 

Stoxe. 
Well, I'm not here to argue with you. It's no use 
to bandy words with a woman. Thej^'re all pretty 
playthings, but they won't listen to reason. 

MOLLIE. 

(Slowly, bitterly.) 
Yes, pretty playthings to amuse you for an hour, 
and then to be tossed aside like a broken toy, with 
never a glance, never a word of kindness, never a 
thought of a woman's breaking heart. (Turns, leans 
on fireplace and sobs,) 

Stoxe. 
(Turns up C. D., turning to R. axcay from 
Skeet.) 
Well, if you won't listen to me — 

MOLLIE. 

(Faces him, speaking loudly.) 
Listen to you? I did listen to a^ou ! I trusted you 
and believed in you — and now! (Turns awaij sob- 

^'"^■^ Stone. 

You'll feel better in the morning, Mollie. You^-e 
nervous tonight. I'll stroll out in the garden and 
keep a lookout for the coming heir. This is his last 
night of grace. If Ted Gilmore doesn't sign the 
directors' book by midnight, he'll lose his fifty votes 
at the meeting tomorrow and the Furniture Factory 



40 AND HOME CAME'TED 

will be moved to the city. {Rubs his hands glee- 
fully.) Then I will be in control once more and be 
able to run things to suit myself. He's got to be 
here by midnight and the last train's in. The young 
man evidently doesn't care a hang about the factory 
his grandfather built up. No sentiment at all. Too 
bad, too bad. (Strolls out C. D, and off R,) 

MoLUE sobs softly with her face against mantel. 
Skeet comes to R. C. 

Skeet. 
{Sympathetically ,) 
What's the matter, Mollie? 

MOLLIE. 

{Looks up, tearfully.) 
N-othine^. o 

• bKEET. 

Did that guy say anything to you, Mollie.'^ 

Mollie. 

No, it isn't that. r. 

hKEET. 

Are you still worrying about him? {Pause.) 
Ain't there something I can do? You're all alone, 
Mollie, and something's bothering you. Let me help 
you. I know I ain't much but, gee, I'd do anything 
in the world fer you. 

MOLLIE. 

You can't help me, Skeet. There isn't any help. 
This is the end, I guess. There's only one thing left 
for me to do, to go away. 

Skeet. 

Go away ? , ^ 

*^ Mollie. 

Yes, I want to see new places, new faces. I want 

to go where I'll meet new people, people who won't 



AND HOME CAME TED 41 

pity me, people who'll allow me to live in peace and 
forget my troubles. g^^^^^ 

Gee, do you care for him as much as that? 

MOLLIE. 

Care for him? For Ira Stone? I hate him! I 
don't give him a thought. It isn't that, it's some- 
thing else. (Crosses to L.) 

Skeet. 
{Goes to L. C.) 
And ain't there notliin' I can do? 

MOLLIE. 

No. There's nothing anyone can do, except Ted 
Gilmore. g^^^^^^ 

What's he got to do with it? 

M01.1.IE. 
He's got to be here tonight. He's got to sign his 
name in the directors' book in order to control the 
meeting tomorrow. He wrote last week from New 
York saying he'd be here without fail, and now the 
last train is in and it's too late. 

Skeet. 
What does he have to sign.? 

M0LI.IE. 
It's this way. Old Mr. Gihnore built up his Fur- 
niture Factory inch by inch, dollar by dollar, until 
today it's worth more than a miUion. Every two 
years there is a stockholders' meeting and there's a 
clause in the by-laws of the company that says every 
one, in order to vote, owning stock in the company, 
• must register the day before the meeting. When 
the old gentleman died he left the controlling shares 
to his grandson Teddy, but if he doesn't show up 



42 AND HOME CAME TED 

tonight Ira J. Stone will be able to control the meet- 
ing tomorrow and do what he likes with the factory. 
That's what w^orries me. That's why I w^ant tc go 

away. ^ 

•^ Skeet. ^ 

But what can Stone do? 

MOLLIE. 

He wants to move the factory to the city. He 
wants to throw my father and all the men of the vil- 
lage out of employment, he wants to tear down the 
old place and elect himself manager of the new con- 
cern. You see he has forty^ votes, one vote for each 

share of stock. ^ 

Skeet. 

How^ many votes does the other fellow have.'^ 

MOLLIE. 

Ted.^ He has fifty, the controlling interest. But 
what good will they do him if he's not here tonight 
to register.'^ Oh, he makes me so mad. 

Skeet. 

What makes you so interested in it, Mollie? 

Mollie. 

If Ira Stone once gets charge of the company 
he'll undo everything the old gentleman spent a life- 
time in trjang to build up. Old Mr. Gilmore was as 
good as a father to me for fifteen 3^ears. He owned 
the Inn and made me the manager, he made my 
father the assistant boss of the second shop. Oh, he 
was wonderful to us ! The day before he died he 
called me to him and said, "Mollie, I'm leaving every- 
thing to my grandson Teddy. I haven't seen him 
in seven years and folks say he's pretty wild; but 
when he assumes charge of the big Furniture Factory 
that'll settle him down, won't it.? I want you to 
stand by him, MolHe !" That's what he said. "I 



AND HOME CAME TED 43 

want you to stand by him and don't let him move 

the factory to the city! Stand by my boy and stand 

by the old factory !'' I gave him my promise and 

I meant to do it, but now— (puts handkerchief to 

eyes and sobs softly). 

Skeet. 

Maybe he'll turn up yet. 

MOLLIE. 

No, it's too late. The lawyer is here to get his 
signature. Oh, I don't know what to do. 

Skeet. 
Why does Stone want to move the factory to the 

'''^^' . MOLLIE. 

Spite work. Stone used to be manager for old Mr. 
Gilmore, but he wasn't honest and Mr. Gilmore found 
it out and discharged him. Then Stone went around 
and bought up ever}^ share of stock he could find. 
He has forty shares now and if Ted doesn't come 
home Stone will elect the board of directors and vote 
liimself president of the company and move the fac- 

^' Skeet. 

But suppose Ted does come home. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, if he only would. 

Skeet. 
What would he have to do.^ 

MOELIE. 

Just go to Mr. Ryker, the attorney, and sign the 
register. Then he'll have fifty votes and can do as 
old Mr. Gilmore directed in his will. 

Skeet. 
I wonder why he ain't here. 



44 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

So do I. ^ 

bKEET. 

Something must 'a happened to him. 

MOLLIE. 

There's no excuse for it. Mr. Ryker wrote him a 
letter and explained everything and Ted promised 
to come home in time to sign the register. 

Skeet. 

Maybe he got lost in the shuffle. 

MOELIE. 

If he has then Ira Stone wins and I leave for the 

city tomorrow. ^ 

Skeet. 

Gee ! We can't allow nothin' like that to happen. 

MOLLIE. 

There's nothing else for me to do. 

Skeet. 
Couldn't we kidnap the lawyer .^^ 

MOLLIE. 

No. He's upstairs waiting for Ted to come home. 
{Looks at watch.) It's only six hours to midnight 
and I can't do a thing. I love the big factory just 
like a child. I watched it grow from one little build- 
ing to three, then to eight, and now it covers twenty 
town lots — it's my town's factory, my factory, and 
I can't do a thing but just sit here and see it go to 
ruin before my very eyes. 

Enter Miss L. from R. 

Miss L. 

(AtR,) 
Oh, Mollie, I'm so excited. I've seen him. I was 
peeping out of the door of my room and he went 
down the hall. 



AND HOME CAME TED 45 

MOLLIE. 

(At L.) 
He— who? MissL. 

(Coming to R. C.) 
Why, Ted, of course. 

MOLLIE. 

Ted? Ted Gilmore? 

Miss L. 
Of course. I'd know him among a million. Tell 
me, am I too pale? ^^^^j^^^^ 

(Goes to her,) 
You're all right. Quick, which way did he go? 

Miss L. 

He went with Skeet. 

Skeet. 
(At L.) 

With me? ^jjggL^ 

Oh, Mollie, do you think he'll know me? Do you 
think I've changed much in the past seven years.'' 

M01.LIE. 
(Hesitates.) 
Well, you've changed a little. 

Miss L. 
He was only fifteen then, and I was his teacher. 
He gave me his picture and said that he'd never for- 
get me. And now he's coming back. Coming back, 
after all these years. I've been waiting for this mgh. 
for the past seven years. 

M0LI.IE. 
That's an awful long wait. 



46 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 

(At R.) 
He will remember. I'm afraid I'm too pale. I 
wonder if I sliouldn't put a little more color in m\ 
cheeks. I used to have such lovely cheeks. (At door 
R,) I'll do it, but don't you tell. Oh, I'm so excited. 
(Bustles out at R.) 

MoLLIE. 

(Turning to Skeet.) 
What did she mean, Skeet.? Is he really here.? 

Skeet. 
Naw, she dunno what she's talking about. 

MoLLIE. 

(Down C.) 
She said he was with you. 

Skeet. 
That wasn't him. That was me boss over at the 
tunnel. The man who pulled me out. (Goes up C.) 

^loLLIE. 

(DoTcn L.) 
Then it's all over. It's — all — over! 

Enter Max from R. icearing dinner clothes. He 

crosses to Skeet, not seeing ]Moili.ie, who is 

doitm L. 

Man. 

Say, Skeet, when do we eat.? 

Skeet. 
(Comes down a little L. C.) 
This is him ^ ^ 

JlOLLIE. 

(At L.) 
Oh, how much he looks like Ted. 



AND HOME CAME TED 47 

Man. 

(At R. C.) 

I beec pardon ? , . 

A little taller and heavier maybe. I have his pic- 
ture up in my room. He sent it to his grandfather 

two years ae^o. <-, 

•^ ^ Skeet. 

Maybe the boss could help us out'n our troubles. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, if he only could! Ted will surely be home to- 
morrow, but somebody must see the attorney tonight. 
If we can put that over and Ted turns up tomorrow 
everything will be all right. 

Man. 

{Puzzled.) 
I don't believe I catch the meaning of your drift. 

Skeet. 
{Comes between them,) 
Y' see, it's like this. Miss MoUie here is up agin 
it fer fair. She's a girl in a million, she is. Y' see 
there's a young feller who's got to show up tonight 
and sign a book so's he kin take charge of the shoot- 
ing gallery. ^^^ 

The shooting gallery.'^ 

Skeet. 
I mean the Furniture Factory. He's gotta be here 
tonight, 'cause if he ain't it's over the hills to the 
poor-house for us. Get me.^ 

Man. 

Well, not quite. ^ 

^ Skeet. 

There's a lawyer guy here with a book that the 



48 AND HOME CAME TED 

young feller's got to sign. And It's got to be did 

tonight. 

^ Man. 

Now I'm beginning to understand. 

Skeet. 
'Cause if it ain't, there's a fish here named Stone 
who done us dirt. He's tryin' to git control of the 
factory and move it away to the city, er sump'm. 

MOLLIE. 

If young Mr. Gilmorc doesn't show up tonight he 
won't be able to vote at the directors' meeting to- 
morrow. ^ 

Skeet. 

Now what she wants is fer you to pertend that 
you're the guy. See.^ 

Man. 

I think I do. She wants me to pretend that I am 
young Mr. Gilmore. Is that it? 

Skeet. 
Fine. You got a wonderful head fer facts. 

Man. 

But isn't there anyone around here who is ac- 
quainted with the young man.^ 

MOLLIE. 

Nobody but Miss Loganberry and she hasn't seen 
him in seven years. She's under the impression that 
you are him anyway. 

Man. 

And rib one else knows him.? 

MOLLIE. 

No. {Goes to Man.) I could take you to the at- 
torney's room tonight with the lights turned low and 
all you have to do is to let him see you and sign the 
book. 



AND HOIVIE CAME TED 49 

Skeet. 
And in the meantime I'll present him with six or 
seven Romany Ryes with the compliments of the 
house. He's clean dippy about that Scotch stuff. 
He's had twelve already. 

MOLLIE. 

{Earnestly to Man.) 
You won't need to meet any of the other guests 
and Ted will be here on the noon train tomorrow. 
He wrote and said he'd be here sure but he must have 
missed connections. Will you do it, sir.? Will you 
help us out? Oh, you don't know how much this 
m.eans to me. ^ 

hKEET. 

{Comes down to Man's R.) 
It means a lot to me, too. 

Man. 
I've got a big notion to do it. It will give me a 
chance to meet the guests, won't it.^^ 

MoLLIE. 

Certainly. , .. 

Then you can count me in. Ring all the bells and 
kill the fatted calf, the prodigal's come home. 

MOLLIE. 

But do you think we can put it over on the attor- 
ney, Skeet.? He's an awful smart man. 

Skeet. 
Don't worry about him. After he tackles my 
Romany Ryes he won't know his own grandmother. 

MOLLIE. 

I'll go upstairs and try to persuade Miss Logan- 
berry to stay in her room. 



50 A \I) H O M E CAME 1 ED 

Skeet. 
I've got it! I'll feed her little dog Gertrude a 
couple o' Romany Ryes and that'll keep the old lady 
busy from now till midnight. (Eccit L.) 

MoLLlE. 

You certainly have taken a load off of my mind, 
sir. I want you to know how grateful I am. 

Man. 

Oh, that's all right. 

Enter Henrietta from R. in brilliant dinner dress. 
She carries a ukulele, 

Henrietta. 
Am I too early .^ 

MoLLIE. 

Not at all. Miss Darby, let me present Mr. Gil- 
more. Mr. Gilmore of the Furniture Company. 

Henrietta. 
Oh! So pleased. (Shakes hands with Mai^.) So 
you are one of the natives? I know I'm going to 
love it here. The scenery here is wonderful. It re- 
minds me of Honolulu. 

Mollie. 

(Pointing up L.) 

You can see clear down in the valley from that 

veranda. ^t 

Henrietta. 

How wonderful. (To Man.) Will you show me 

the yiew.^ It's part of the attraction of the Inn, 

isn't it.^ ^-. 

Man. 

Delighted. (Offers his arm and they stroll out 

C. D. and off L,) 



AND HOME CAME TED . 51 

MOLLIE. 

I didn't think we could put it over, but we have. 
We have ! And now Mr. Ira Stone I think you'll 
wait quite a little while before you start tearing down 
the factory. 

Enter Skeet from L. carrying four pink lemonades 
with mint, cherries, straws, etc., on tray, 

Skeet. 
I caught little Gertrude in the entry and fed her a 
couple o' Romany Ryes with a teaspoon. Take it 
from me, Gertrude never had such a feed in her young 
life. She's frisky enough to bite a Boston bull. 

Mo L LIE. 

(At R, C.) 
What will Miss Loganberry say? 

Skeet. 
She said it ah^eady. She thinks Gertrude bit Ira 
Stone and caught the distemper. She put her to 
bed with a mustard plaster and a hot water bottle. 
The old lady's got a job that'll keep her upstairs the 
rest of the evening. Where's the boss.'^ 

MoLLIEo 

Do you mean Mr. Ted.^ 

Skeet. 
Sure. Only I forgot his name. 

MOLLIE. 

He's out on the veranda looking at the scenery 
with the Honolulu humming-bird. 

Skeet. 
What '11 I do with these? (Refers to lemonades.) 

MOLLIE. 

Take them up to Mr. Ryker's room. 



52 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
I did. But I can't find him. (Places tray on 
desk.) ,-. 

^ MOLLIE. 

(Up to him.) 

Oh, Skeet, I'm so nervous. I'll be thankful when 

those two men are out of the house. If they ever find 

out that we've deceived them and that Ted didn't get 

home on time — ^ 

Skeet. 

(Looking off C. D. to R.) 

Sh! Watch yer step. Here comes Ira Stone now. 

Enter Stone from C. D, from R. 

Stone. 
(At R, C.) 

Well, the young man hasn't showed up yet and the 
last train is in. It looks as if you were going to lose, 
Mollie. 

(Mollie turns her hack on him and busies herself up 

stage,) 

Skeet. 
{UpC.) 
A good poker player is always sure of his hand 
before he stakes his little pile. Are you real sure of 

your hand. Stone? ^ 

-^ ' Stone. 

I guess I'm sure all right, for you see I hold the 

winning: cards. ^i 

° Skeet. 

I've often thought that way, too. When all of a 

sudden up pops the little joker, and it's all off. 

Stone. 
I've been talking to Ryker the attorney. He says 
he is going back to the city tomorrow night. (Ruhs 



AND HOME CAME TED 53 

hands gleefully.) When I'm the president of the 

Furniture Company I'll begin to tear down the old 

shacks at once. ^ 

Skeet. 

{Sarcastically,) 

Gee, you've got it all mapped out, ain't you? 

Stone. 
Of course it will kill the Inn and the village, but 
what difference does that make? The factory men 
can go back to farming. We've got too many men 
anyhow. Our new labor-saving devices will cut down 
the number one-third. 

MOLLIE. 

{At L, C.) 
If I were you I don't think I'd order the new fur- 
niture just yet. ^ 

You think Ted can get here by an airship, do you? 
Bah, I tell you he takes no interest in the old factory. 
All he wants is his dividends. {Goes to her,) If you 
are real good, Mollie, I might get you a place in the 
new factory. I'm going to use all the girls I can. 
That cuts down the payroll. 

MOLLIE. 

{With spirit,) 
Not for Mollie. You'll never discharge a man, Ira 
Stone, as long as Ted Gilmore's on earth. 

(Skeet comes down C.) 

Stone. 

{Sneers,) 

Oh, won't I? ^ 

Skeet. 

{At his R,) 

Naw, you won't ! 



54 AND HOME CAME TED 

Stone. 
Young Mr. Gilmore is probably having a good 
time down in New York. I've heard he's a prettj^ 
gay young man. He doesn't give a hang whether 
the factory is moved or not. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, yes he does. g^^^,^ 

{Loudly,) 
Then why isn't he here tonight. 

MOLLIE. 

{Louder.) 

He is here! ^^ 

Stone. 

What! 

Mollie. 

He's been here a couple of hours. 

I don't believe it. 

Skeet grasps Stone bac/t of his coat collar with L, 

hand, jerks hint to R. with a vicious push and 

then takes C. 

Skeet. 

You say that again and someone'll have to call an 

ambulance. .-, 

Stone. 

How did he get here? He wasn't on the train. Only 

one passenger got off, a lady. 

MOLLIE. 

He was here before the train pulled in. 

Stone. 
Well, I want to see him. I — 

Skeet. 
{Takes his arm and leads him to door R.) 
You! You'd better make a noise like a cake of 



AND HOME CAME TED 55 

ice and keep cool. And remember, the first train for 
the village leaves here tomorrow at noon. 

Stoxe. 

But, I— ;. 

Skeet. 

That'll do fer you. The guests at this hotel ain't 

allowed to talk back tq the help. You'd better run 

upstairs and brush j^our hair fer dinner. You're 

liable to get all mussed up if 3'ou sta}^ doAvn here. 

{Pushes him out at R,, then swaggers down to Mol- 

LIE.) 

{At R, C.) 
Skeet, you're all right. I don't know what I'd do 
if you weren't here to help me. You're a good pal, 
Skeet, and you're white clean through. {Passes him 
going to door R„ turns and looks at him giggling, 
Skeet at R, C. acts bashful and giggles, Moleie 
ejoits R,, looking back at Skeet and bumping into the 
door as she exits,) ^ 

bKEET. 

Gee, she's a nice girl. She's a girl in a million. 

Enter Jim Ryker from C. Z>., R. side, wearing dinner 
clothes and top hat, 

Jim. 
Hello, Skeet, I've just been taking a walk down 
to the lake. I thought maybe Ted might take it into 
his head to row across. 

Skeet. 
{Takes tray to him,) 
I been a lookin' fer you. {Extends tray,) Here, 
have a Romany Rye on the house. 

Jim. 
Whv tliis genevosit}^.? Is it your birthday.? 



56 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
No, sir. It's in honor of Mr. Ted. He's come home. 

Jim. 
That's fine. Then I think Mr. Ira Stone won't 
be elected general manager of the Furniture Com- 
pany tomorrow. 

{Soft Music, ''Farewell to Thee'' on ukulele or gui- 
tar heard off C to L.) 

Skeet. 

I tell you it was a close call, but he got home just 

in time. ^ 

Jim. 

Where is he? I Avant to have a good long talk 

with him. We haven't had a good long talk in over 

a year. (Sheet's expression changes from joy to 

apprehension,^ ^ 

^ ^ ^ Skeet. 

For over a year? {Blankly,) Why, I didn't know 

you and him ever did have a good long talk. I never 

knowed that you knew him. {Slight pause.) Do 

y°"- Jim. 

Why sure. He and I used to be college chums. 
That's why his grandfather appointed me as executor 
of the estate and attorney for the company. 

Skeet. 

{Hesitates.) 

Would — would — er — would you know him again if 

you saw him? 

-^ Jim. 

Know him? Why, certainly. 

Skeet. 
{Wilts, then brightens up with an idea.) 
He's changed a whole lot. Honest, he's awfull}'' 
changed. Here, take a couple o' Romany Ryes. 



AND HOME CAME TED 57 

Jim. 
No, thank you. I won't indulge until I've talked 
to Ted. (Skeet wilts.) I have to keep my head 
clear for business, you know. Where is he? 

Skeet. 

(Rattled.) 

I don't know. Oh, yes I do. I think he's upstairs. 

Yes, he's upstairs putting a hot mustard plaster on 

little Gertrude. (Comes to Jim, speaking earnestly.) 

Are you sure you'd know him, Mr. Ryker.'^ 

Jim. 

(Positively.) 

I'd know Ted Gilmore if I met him in Heaven. 

Skeet. 
(To audience.) 
Holy mackerel! I'll have to find Miss Mollie and 
put her wise. (To Jim.) I'll find him and send him 
to you — maybe! 

(Puts tray on counter and runs off R.) 

Henrietta. 
(Heard off C. D. at rear singing.) 
"Farewell to thee, 
Farewell to thee. 
Thou dearest one that dwells among the flowers!" 

Jim starts in surprise. He crosses up C, listening 

as Henrietta continues singing. Enter Aunt J. 

from L. 

Aunt J. 

'Scuse me, boss, I's lookin' fo' Miss Mollie. It's 

time to ring de chimes fo' dinner. 

Jim. 

I think she's upstairs. 

(Henrietta sings louder. Jim listens.) 



58 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
Yes, sah. (Crosses to R.) 

Jim. 
(Up C.) 

Say, auntie, who is that singing? 

Aunt J. 
(Waddles up C, looks off L.) 
Dat's de new lad}' dat come dis afternoon. 

Jui. 
It sounded like — but, no, that's impossible. Is her 
name Darby, auntie, Henrietta Darby? 

Aunt J. 
'Deed an' I dunno. Look at de register. {Comes 
down R,) 

JIM. 

I'm almost afraid to look. (Singing grows louder, 
he rushes to register, opens it, turns pages rapidly, 
reads, jumps back in surprise,) Jumping Jupiter, 
my widow! (Grabs grip from behind counter, rushes 
to window, breaks glass with grip, jumps through 
window and exits. During this action the singing 
has ceased, and the same tune is played softly but in 
rapid tempo by orchestra.) 

Enter Mollie from R. 

MoLLIE. 

What was the crash. Aunt Jubilee? 

Aunt J. 
(Running around waving arms, very much excited.) 
Dat lawyer man, Mistah Ryker, he's gone plum 
'stracted and crazy in d' head. He takes one look at 
de register, let out a yell like a hippo-peet-apotamus, 
bust open de window and jump through ! (Looks out 
of window,) 



Ax\D HOME CAME TED 59 

MOLLIE. 

He's in the motor car and is making a bee line for 

the station. 

Enter Skeet from R, 

Skeet. 

Miss MoUie, I've been looking everywhere for you. 

It's all ofF. We've got to get another Teddy. The 

lawyer and him is old friends. Old college chums. 

He said he'd know him if he met him in Heaven. 

{Rapid action and dialogue from this point. Music 

louder,) 

Mollie. 

The lawyer and Ted.'^ 

Skeet. 
Sure. Tell the boss it's all off. Mr. Ryker is 
acquainted with the real Ted. 

Mollie. 

He's gone. 

Skeet. 

Who? 

Mollie. 

The lawyer. He jumped out of the window and 

has started for town. 

Skeet. 

{Yells.) 

Then we've still got a chance. Hurray! {Grabs 
Aunt J. by both hands.) He's gone and Ted's home 
and I don't care what happens to us now. {Swings 
Aunt J. rapidly around, shouting ''Hurray!'') 

Aunt J. 
Lemme alone, boy. Turn me loose! {Down L. 
with Skeet.) 



60 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoLLiE rings dinner chimes. Music grows louder. 
Enter Man and Henrietta from C. D. Stone and 
Miss L. from R. 

MOLLIE. 

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the new 
heir. Ted's come home! 

(Aunt J. and Skeet at L. Henrietta up L, C. 
Man and Mollie in middle of stage. Stone down 
R. C. Miss L. in door R.) 

Quick Curtain. 

For Second Curtain : Man stands C, with Mollie, 
Henrietta, Aunt J. and Miss L. all around him, 
backs to audience, shaking hands, etc. Miss L. kisses 
him^ Skeet laughs and points finger at the baffled 
Stone. 

For Third Curtain: The seven characters stand 
bowing to the audience. 



AND HOME CAME TED 



The Second Act. 

Scene — The same as for Act /, but it is now 7:40 
p. m. Lighted candelabra on mantel. Lighted 
chandelier. Strong blue lights shine in from C. D, 
and window. Foots and borders on full at the 
beginning of the act. 

Discovered: Sk'e.:e.t seated back of desk up L, Noise 
and laughter heard from dining room at L. Mu- 
sic, ''Farewell to Thee'' (''Aloha 0^"), takes up 
the curtain, but ceases as soon as the conversation 
begins. 

Enter Man from L, He comes to L, C., facing 

How did it go, boss? 

Man. 
Not very well. I was disappointed. 

Skeet. 
What d' y' mean disappointed.'^ 

Man. 

What became of the pretty girl in the green and 
white dress that I saw this afternoon.^ She wasn't 
at dinner. ^ g^^^^^ 

That's Miss Garwood. She had her dinner in her 

^^^"^; Man. 

Will she be down tonight.? 

Skeet. 
I dunno. Sometimes she reads or writes or some- 

*^^"g- Man. 

Then I guess I'll take a row on the lake. 

61 



62 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
Wait a minute. (Comes to him.) I'll see what I 
can do. (Goes to telephone behind screen,) Hello, 
Central! (Pause.) Gimme this same number with 
four rings. (Pause, then the bell rings four times.) 
Hello, is this Miss Garwood? (Pause.) This is 
Skeet at the office. (Pause.) Yes, I'm all right, 
thanks; how're 3^ou? (Pause.) Oh, I thought maybe 
something was the matter, 'cause you weren't down 
for dinner. (Pause.) Oh, say! Mr. Gilmore has 
arrived and he'd like to have you come down. He 
HSLjs he's lonesome. (Pause.) Naw, he ain't imper- 
tinent. Just lonesome, that's all. Goodbye. 

Man. 

(As Skeet comes from behind screen.) 
Now, you've done it. 

Skeet. 
Wasn't that right? 

Man. 
Right? You've queered the wliole business. 

Skeet. 
Naw, nothin' like it. She'll come down. They al- 
wa3's do. You gotta hand these dames the rough 
stuff once in a while. 

Man. 
She'll have a fine opinion of me. 

Skeet. 
Sure she will. She'll think you're a big gun and 
she'll come down and tell you so. Did the other one 
say anything to you? 

Man. 
Yes, she kept telling me about the moon in Hono- 
lulu. 



AND HOME CAME TED 63 

Skeet. 
Naw, I don't mean her. I mean the old lady. The 
Aunt Samanthy with the red feather sky-scraper. 

Man. 

The one with the dog? 

Skeet. 
That's her. She's a funny old dame, ain't she.^ 

Max. 

What's her name.^ 

Skeet. 
Party by the name of Loganberry. 

Max. 

She acted in a most peculiar manner. Made signs 
at me all through dinner. 

Skeet. 
She's forty-three and desperate. 

Max. 

If she ever get's me alone, I'll be kidnapped. 

Skeet. 

She's been waiting fer you seven years. She said 

to tell you as soon as you arrived. She's anxious to 

talk to you. 

•^ Man. 

Skeet, if you ever see us together, you come right 

in and say that someone wants me on the phone. Get 

me ^ 

Enter Henrietta from L. 

Henrietta. 
(Comes C. to Man.) 
Well, what do you think of the guests by this 
time ? 



64 AND HOME CAMIl TED 

Man. 

Some of them are perfectly charming. 

Henrietta. 

(Smiling.) 

Flatterer. ^ ^ 

Man. 

Have you been here long.^ 

Henrietta. 
Mercy, no. I just arrived. The doctor told me 
I must find a quiet place in the mountains for my 
nerves. I've had such horrible experiences during 
the past year that I feel like a perfect wreck. But 
I feel sure that I am going to like the Rip Van 
Winkle Inn. I'll be better here, far from the mad- 
dening crowd. I've had a disappointment, Mr. Gil- 
more. I need sympathy. My heart has been lacer- 
ated by the perfidy of man. 

Man. 

Isn't that too bad? 

Henrietta. 

But in this charming spot I think I'll be able to 
forget all my troubles. That's the thing I like about 
this place. It's so quiet. 

Man. 

Oh, yes, it's awfully quiet. 

Skeet. 
(Down R,) 
I'll bet there's more quiet around here to the square 
mile than any other place in New York State. 

Henrietta. 
And I simply adore the mountains. They seem tc 
carry me back to Honolulu. Do you ever have anj 
balls or parties here, Mr. Skeet? 



AND HOME CAME TED 65 

Skeet. 

Well, it's pretty high up fer parties. All the balls 

are hischballs. ^^ 

® Henrietta. 

(Crosses to window.) 

Oh, see the moon is coming out. 

Max. 

(Up a little to her,) 

So it is. ^ 

Skeet. 

It does that once in a while. 

Henrietta. 

I wonder how the valley looks in the moonlight. 

(Romantically,) It must be gorgeous, bathed in 

white moonshine. ^ 

Skeet. 

Not white moonshine, yellow ! With foam on top. 

Henrietta. 
I think I'll go out. (To Man.) Won't you show 
me the view again .^ -.-. 

Awfully sorry, but I can't get away just now. 
Important engagement. 

Henrietta. 
(Obviously disappointed.) 
Oh, I wanted to tell 3'OU about my troubles. 

Skeet. 
(Aside to Man.) 
She thinks you're a policeman. 

Enter Stone from L. 

Henrietta. 
(Goes to him,) 
Oh, Mr. Stone, won't you show me the moon.'^ 



66 AND HOME CAME TED 

Stone. 
(Down L.) 
Show you what? 

Henrietta. 
The moon. I want to see it shining down in tht: 
valley. (Long sigh.) Oh, it's too romantic for 
words. And I left my ukulele on the veranda, 
(Pause,) Shall we look for it? 

Stone. 

I'll be delighted. (Offers his arm, they start out 

C. D.) ^ 

Henrietta. 

It reminds me of the moon-kissed beach at Wai 

kiki. Have you ever been in Honolulu, Mr. Stone? 

(They stroll out C. D. to L.) 

Man. 

(Laughing,) 
That seems to be her long suit — the moon in Hon- 
olulu. In ten minutes she'll be playing the ukulele 
and singing "Farewell to Thee !" 

Skeet. 
(Crosses to L.) 
I think I'll go out and see if I can't start a lit'clo 
disturbance in the kitchen. I ain't had nothin' to 
eat since the last time. (Exits L.) 

Enter Miss L. from R. 

Miss L. 

(Sees Man up L., waves finger at him and speaks 

coquet tishly.) 
Ah, there you are! 

Man. 

(Sees her. wilts, then imitates her tone.) 
Yes-, here I am. 



AXD HOME CAME TED 67 

Miss L. 
I've been looking everywhere for you, Theodore. 

Max. 

{Comes to her.) 

And at last you have found me. What can I do 

for vou.^ ,. ^ 

Miss L. 

{Comes close to him.) 

Isn't tliis just like old times, Teddy .'^ 

Max. 

AVclL reailv — ^^ ^ 

Miss L. 

You haven't forgotten, have you. ^ 

Max. 

My memory is awfully bad at times. {Pauses.) 
And this is one of the times. 

Miss L. 

I can hardly realize tliat you are really here. Oh, 
Theodore, I've waited, and waited, and waited. 

ilAX. 

You are quite a waiter, aren't you? 

Miss L. 

You remember the night of our parting, don't 

you? 

Max. 

Can I ever forget it? 

^Iiss L. 

You act so strangely. I never knew you to be so 

distant. __ 

Max. 

The poet says that distance lends enchantment to 

the view. __ ^ 

Miss L. 

Why don't vou call me by my old name? 



68 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Your old name? I will. Anything to oblige, Miss 

Huckleberry. ^, 

-^ Miss L. 

Loganberry. 

Yes, I mean Loganberry. 

Miss L. 
But you haven't forgotten my first name, have 

•^^^' Man. 

Oh, that would be too familiar. 

Miss L. 

Or ''Cutie/' That's what you used to call me. 
"Cutie." Mak. 

(In agony to audience.) 
I wonder why Skeet doesn't come. 

Miss L. 

(Overhearing.) 
Skeet .^ Are you waiting for him.'^ 

Man. 
Yes. He ought to be* here this minute. 

Miss L. 
I'm afraid I'll have to leave you, Teddy. My little 
Gertrude isn't feeling at all well. 

Man. 

That's too bad. I must get little Gertrude some 
candy or peanuts in the morning. 

Miss L. 

Oh, she doesn't care for anything like that. All 
she wants is a nice piece of raw fish. 

Man. 

(Astonished,) 
Raw fish? 



AND HOME CAME TED 69 

Miss L. 

Yes, I'm very careful about her diet. 

Man. 

It sounds like it. ^ ^ t 

Miss L. 

I gave her meat last winter and the hair all came 

out of her tail. ^^ 

Max. 

(Astounded.) 

Did it.'^ That was rough on Gertrude. 

Miss L. 

ril have to go to her now. She's acting so 
strangely. She wobbles when she walks. 

Man. 
How unladylike. ^^ j 

But we must have one of our old time, cozy, com- 
fortable chats real soon. Oh, Teddy, I have so much 
to tell you. I have never forgotten that night seven 
3 ears ago. We were strolling in the moonlight. 

Man. 

Were we? ^^ t 

Miss L. 

Yes. Have you forgotten.'^ 

Man. 

I forgot the moon. I remember the rest of it per- 
fcctl}^ but the moon slipped my memory. 

Miss L. 

And now you've returned to me, a successful busi- 
ness man. ^^ 

Man. 

r^ot very successful. 

Miss L. 
Never mind, Teddy. Woman is like the ivy; the 
more you are ruined the closer she clings. 



79 A}iV HOME CAME TED 

Max. 

Yes, and ivy is like tli-e woman. The closer she 
clings the more you are ruined. 

Miss L. 

Someone is coming down. <2;t airs. We mustn't be 

seen together as yet. 

^Iax. 

No, that's right. We mustn't. 

Miss L. 

We'll keep our little secret all to ourselves. 

:\Iax. 

Believe me, that's just Avhat I want to do. 

Miss L. 

(At door L.) 
And remember, I've never forgotten a word you 
said to me on that niglit. It's written in large capi- 
tal letters forever on m}^ heart. (Giggles, blows hivi 
(u kiss and exits L.) 

■■;,;;;:": ;^^:' . ,. max. 

Just keep it there. That's better than the cold 
storage. 

Enter Diaxa from R, in handsome dinner gorcn. 

Diana. 
Well? Max. 

(Turns toward her,) 
I haven't been, but I feel a little better now. 

Diaxa. 

(Recognizing him.) 
You.^ I didn't \x\o\y you were stopping at \\v^ 
Rip Van Winkle. 

:\Iax. 

■ Oh, yes. I'm here. I expect to be here for .some 
time. 



AND HOME CAME TED 71 

DiAXA. 

(Comes to him impulsively,) 
Tell me, have you seen the hero of the tunnel? 

Man. 

Yes, I saw him. ^^ 

Diana. 

What was he doing? 

Man. 

Well, the last time I saw him face to face he was 

shavinff. t-* 

^ Diana. 

And did you tell him what I told you? 

Man. 

Yes 

Diana. 

Was he startled? 

Man. 

I should say he was. He cut himself. 

Diana. 
And what did he say? 

Max. 
When he cut himself? {Smiles and shakes head.) 
That's been cut out by the board of censori^hip. 
( When this play is given by a school he might say, 
''That's been cut out by the faculty'' -with good 
effect,) 

DlAX^A. 

You know I don't mean that. {Sits on settle, half 
facing the audience.) What did he say when you 
oYive him my message? 

Man. 

It was the proudest moment of his life. 

Diana. 

You told me to tell him that you were proud to 



72 AND HOME CAMB: TED 

belong to a country that breeds men like me — 
(hastily/) I mean like him. Isn't that enough to make 
any man proud? -p^ 

Not a man like him. He's too noble. Now, tell 
me all about him. What is he like? 

Man. 

(Purposely misunderstanding,) 

What does he like? He likes you. (Sits on the 

arm of the settle.) ^ 

^ Diana. 

Did he say so? ^^ 

^ Man. 

Oh, no. Certainly not. He isn't that kind of a 

man. t-* 

Diana. 

No, I'm sure he isn't. 

Man. 

I meant that he likes girls like you. See? (Slips 

over on settle beside her.) 

Diana. 

I suppose he knows lots of girls like me. 

Man. 

No, I think I can safely say that he's never met 

one like you before. -r-. 

^ Diana. 

What does he look like? 

Man. 

A lobster. ^ 

Diana. 

What! 

Man. 

I mean, I don't exactly know what he does look 

like. He looks like a man. That's it; just a plain, 

every day man. j^^^^^^ 

• (Disappointed.) 

Oh, I thought he'd look like a hero. 



AND HOME CAME TED 73 

Man. 
No, I don't think he does. How does a hero look? 

Diana. 
Handsome and tall. He's tall. Isn't he.'' 

Man. 
Well, he's about as tall as I am. 

Diana. 
And handsome .'^ Man 

Yes. (She looks at him.) Oh, no! No, he isn't 

handsome. I was thinking about his brother. 

Diana. 

I thought he would be much taller than you. 

Man. 

Sometimes he looks taller. When he stands up. 

Diana. 

When Skeet told me how he pulled him out of 

the tunnel I formed a picture of him in my mind. 

Man. 

What kind of a picture.^ A comic valentine .'^ 

Diana. 

No, the picture of my ideal. 

Man. 

I don't think he looks much like an ideal. In fact 

I wouldn't recognize an ideal if I saw one. 

Diana. 

Wavy black hair brushed straight back, a winning 

smile and piercing black eyes. His eyes are black, 

aren't they? 

•^ Man. 

I don't think they are just now. They have been 

several times. _ 

Diana. 

I pictured him as tall and muscular, yet very 

graceful. 



74 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
He's not so awfully graceful. 

Diana. ♦ 

One of nature's nobleman with large broad — 

Man. 
{Interrupting.) 
Feet.^ He's got them all right. 

Diana. 
{Pouting,) 
I was going to say shoulders. 

Man. 

Yes, he's got shoulders, too. 

Diana. 
A low, commanding voice — 

Man. 

{Interrupting,) 
Low.? {In a deep voice,) Like that.'^ 

Diana. 

And a face — t., 

Man. 

Yes, he's got a ftxe. 

Diana. 

Clean cut and resolute. 

Man. 

Two faced.? ^^^^^ 

{Rising,) 
You're makings fun of me. I'm sure he'd never 
do anything like that. {Pause,) Would he.? 

Man. 

{In a deep voice,) 
Oh, no ; he's too noble. 

Diana. 
You must think I am awfully bold. 



AND HOME CAME TED 75 

Man. 

Oh, no. Why? \^ 

'^. Diana. 

Here I am talking to you like an old friend and 

we haven't even been introduced. 

Man. 

I never thought of that. 

Diana. 
I am Diana Garwood. 

Man. 

I am (^pauses) delighted. 

Diana, 
Do you know, I think you have been trying to 
deceive me all the time. Now, haven't you? 

Man. 

r,..^ J I u^:-- . (I^ ^ deep voice.) 
Oh, no. I'm too noble. 

Diana. 

Then you are^yoa are the hero of the tunnel? 

Man. 

Do I look like a hero? 

Diana. 

Tell me the truth. 

Man. 

I haven't got a deep voice and piercing black hair 

brushed back, have I? 

Diana. 

If you won't be serious (starts to go zip C). 

Man. 

I am serious, and I only wish I had, a deep, pierc- 

ino* voice. -r^ 

"^ Diana. 

You're not playing fair. ;. 



76 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Pardon me. You know they've been expecting the 
new president of the Furniture Factory to turn up all 
day. Well, I've turned up. 

Diana. 

Then you are not — ,^ 

•^ Man. 

The hero of the tunnel? 

Diana. 
You are Mr. Gilmore. 

Man. 
The new president of the factory. That's right. 
But my friends seem to call me Ted. 

Diana. 

How silly you must think I am. 

Man. 

Silly.'* I think you are the most sincere girl I have 
ever met. ^^^^^ 

{Looks around,) 
I wonder where all the guests are. 

Man. 

Some of them are out on the veranda looking at 

the moon. ^-w 

Diana. 

It's turned out quite warm after all. It's rather 

hot in here, isn't it.^ I have a notion to look at the 

moon, too. ,.. 

Man. 

There's a pretty walk clear down to the lake. I'll 

be glad to show you the way. {Joins her.) 

Diana. 

And we can talk about the hero of the tunnel. 

Man. 
Aixl the moon. 



AND HOME CAME TED 77 

Diana. 

It's just the same old moon, isn't it? 

Man. 

Yes, but it never seemed as beautiful to me before. 
{They stroll out C. D., going R,) 

Enter Aunt J. from L. 

Aunt J. 
Dat boy Skeet sure am makin' a onslaught into 
de provisions in mah kitchen. I neber see sech a ap- 
petite in all mah born days. (Sees the lemonade on 
the counter.) Lawsy, lawsy, look at all de fancy 
lemonades somebody's done lef out yere so careless. 
(Takes one and smells it,) Smells mighty fancy, 
mighty fancy! ( Tastes it,) An' it tastes jes' as 
fancy as it smells. (Drinks it,) 

Enter Mollie from R, in simple dinner dress, 

MOLLIE. 

(Watches Aunt J. drink the lemonade,) 
Don't swallow the glass. 

Aunt J. 
Bless my soul. Miss Mollie, I was jes' tastin' one 
ob dese yere fancy Romany Rye lemonades dat some- 
body done lef. Dey cert'n'y do taste mighty tasty, 
dey shore do. 

MOLLIE. 

Skeet made them for Mr. Ryker. 

Aunt J. 
Well, Mistah Ryker ai' gwine to git one ob 'em 
anyhow. 

^ MOLLIE. 

Where is Skeet.? 

Aunt J. 

Out'n de dining room eatin'. 



78 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

Tell him that I have put old Mr. Gilmore's dress 
suit out on his bed and I want him to put it on. 

Aunt J. 
You wants Mr. Skeet to put it on? 

Mollis. 

Certainly. . ^ 

^ Aunt J. 

Den I cert'n'y wants to hang 'round an' see de 
excitement. If dat boy ever puts on old boss's dress 
suit he's gwine to get lost in de creases. 

MOLLIE. 

And you can have that old white muslin you like 

so well. , -r 

Aunt J. 

Can I? Lawsy, lawsy ! I's gotta put some powdali 
on mah face den, 'kase I's most too highly com- 
plected to wear white. I'd look like a blackberry 
swimmin' 'round in a bucket ob milk. 

MOLLIE. 

Tell Skeet to hurry. Never mind, I'll tell him 

myself. (Exits L.) . ^ 

-^ ^ ^ Aunt J. 

I'd better make haste and git dat white muslii! 

dress 'fore she changes her mind. (Crosses to door 

R.) I'm gwine to cut it ober in de latest style wit'i 

a harem-scarem skirt and a peek-a-boo waist and 

wear it to church next Sunday. I'll bet I'll be de 

belle ob de high-toned colored aristocracy. (Minces 

out at R.) 

Pause. Then enter Ted from C. D., coming from R. 

Ted. 
(Looks around, then speaks off up R.) 
It's all right. There isn't anyone here. 



AND HOME CAME TED 79 

Enter Elsie from CD,, coming from R. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted, I'm so frightened. 

Ted. 
There's nothing to be frightened about, hone v. 
I'm here, and we're married now. 

Elsie. 
I know, but papa has such a dreadful temper. 

Ted. 

Don't worry about that. He can't do anything, 

even if he is a Senator. We're both of age and lie 

can't annul the marriage. 

Elsie. 

Couldn't he take me away from you and. send me 

back to school? ^ 

Ted. 

I'd like to see him try it. You're my wife now, 

and all the world can't take you from me. 

Elsie. 

I wonder what they're doing at school now, Ted. 

Ted. 

We should worry. They won't miss you until 

tomorrow. ^ 

Elsie. 

Oh, it would be dreadful if papa would follow us 

here. 

Ted. 

He'll never dream that we came up here. He'll 
think we're on our way to Cuba or some place. 
(Looks around,) I'd better find the clerk and reg- 
ister. _ 

Elsie. 

Maybe the Inn hasn't opened yet. (Goes to desk.) 

Ted. 
Oh, yes. It opened Monday. 



80 AND HOME CAME TED 

E1.SIE. 
I hope there isn't anyone here I know. {Reads 
register.) ^^^ 

I don't suppose they have a very big crowd. 

Elsie. 
Oh' Ted! Teb. 

(Rushes to her,) 
What's the matter? 

Elsie. 
Look there. {Points to name on register.) 

Ted. 
(Reading.) 
"Diana Garwood, Watertown, N. Y." Why, she's 
from your town, isn't she.^ Do you know her.'^ 

Elsie. 
Know her.'^ She's my cousin. 

Ted. 

Your cousin.^ -^^ 

Elsie. 

Oh, we must leave here at once. I wouldn't meet 

Diana for the world. ^ 

Ted. 

But we can't leave. 

Elsie. 

Oh, Ted! She'll telephone to papa. 

Ted. 
We'll have to keep her quiet, that's all. There 
isn't any other train tonight and we've run out of 
gasoline. Something is wrong with the carburetor 
and we've two flat tires. 

Elsie. 
Let's go to another inn. 



AND HOME CAME TED 81 

Ted. 
There isn't any other. 

Elsie. 
But I can't meet Diana. 

Ted. 
Maybe she won't see us. And even if she does, she 
can't do anything. We're married. 

Elsie. 
I know it. But, Ted, I'm so miserable. 

Ted. 
Miserable.? On your honeymoon.? Oh, Elsie! {Re- 
proachfully.) ^^^^^ 

I know I shouldn't be, but everything was so sud- 
den today. Our running away and getting the li- 
cense and the ring and then the ride to the minister's 
and the wedding. I've done nothing but hurry all 
day, and I didn't have any wedding dress or brides- 
maids or wedding cake or anything, and I haven't 
had anything to eat since noon (tearfully), and 
my head aches and we're out of gasoline and have 
two flat tires, and now we've got to run right into 
my cousin Diana. Oh, I'll never elope again as long 

as I live. ^ 

Ted. 

I hope you won't. 

Elsie. 

Forgive me, T-Ted, but I am so m-m-miserable. 

(^^^^•) T... 

There, there, honey, everything's all right. I'll 
get you some supper and you won't have to meet 
your cousin Diana after all. 



82 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
I'm hungry, Ted. I want to go away. Diana 
will telephone to papa and he'll come and tear me 
away from you. (Sobbing loudly,) And I'm hun- 
gry ! Even if I am a bride, I still have an appetite. 
I was too excited to eat any lunch. I want to go 
away. (Loudly.) I want to go away! (Sobs.) 

Ted. 
All right. Gimme your grips. Put on your hat! 
We'll go. Elsik. 

(Sobbing.) 
But we can't go. Something is wrong with the 
what-do-you-call-it and there's two flat tires. And 
we haven't got any g-g-gas ! 

Ted. 
But we can't stay. We'll have to walk. 

Elsie. 
I won't walk. I'm hungry, and my head aches, 
and I'm p-p-perfectly miserable. (Sobs.) 

Ted. 
Maybe I can get you a sandwich somewhere. 

Elsie. 
I don't want a sandwich somewhere. I want my 
supper. ^^^ 

Don't think of that, honey. You still have me. 

Elsie. 
I know I have, but I c-c-can't eat you. 

Ted. 
If your cousin finds us and telephones your father, 
good-night! MoLLiE. 

(Outside at L.) 
Never mind, auntie, I'll fix it myself. 



AND HOME CAME TED 83 

Ted. 
{Takes Elsie's hand and rushes up to C. £.) 
Quick, this way. ^^^^^^^^^^ 
{Sings "Farewell to Thee'" outside rear L.) 

Ted. 
We can't go there. Someone is out there. {Rushes 
to C. jE., going to R.) 

Elsie. 
There's Diana. {Points ojf rear R,) 

Ted. 
Surrounded! Quick, the screen. 
Ted and Elsie rush behind the screen as Mollie 

enters from L. ^^ 

^ Mollie. 

Is anybody there? {Pause.) I thought I heard 
someone. 

Enter Skeet from R. in evening clothes, much 
too large, and wearing bright red bow tie. 

Skeet. 
{Struts proudly across stage from R. to L., then 
slowly revolves, trying to see his back.) 
Pretty foxy, I guess. (Mollie laughs.) How do 

you Hke it? ^^ 

-^ Mollie. 

Like what ? o 

Skeet. 

Me full dress. The get-up. The suit ! S-double-o-t 

^^^^- Mollie. 

It's a scream. o 

Skeet. 

Is it a good fit? j^j^^^^^ 

You couldn't have a better fit if you were in a 
hospital. 



84 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
I'm crazy to get a look at meself. 

M0LI.IE. 
If you ever get one look you will be crazy. 

Enter Aunt J. from L, in white dress. 

Aunt J. 
(Seeing Skeet at L. C) 
Oh, lawsy, lawsy ! (Laughs loudly.) 

Skeet. 
{To Aunt J.) 
What's the matter, little one? What's the joke? 

Aunt J. 
De joke? I'm lookin' right at it. {Laughs.) 

Skeet. 
Don't you like the suit? 

Aunt J. 
Like it? {Laughs.) Lawsy, 'deed I does. I ain't 
seen nothin' so funny since de St. Patrick Day pa- 
rade. Is dat what you call a full dress suit. Miss 
MolHe? 

hKEET. 

That's the trouble with it. {Extends trousers.) 

It's too full. 

Aunt J. 

It does look kinder loose. 

MOLLIE. 

{At L.) 
It's all right, Skeet, only you'd better go upstairs 
and put on a black tie. 

Skeet. 
Black? I ain't goin' to a funeral. 



AND HOME CAME TED 85 

MOLLIE. 

You are if you don't change that tie and you'll 
be riding right up in the front hack. 

Skeet. 
I'm kinda partial to red myself. 

Aunt J. 
Boy, dat tie makes you look like you got de nose- 
bleed, o 

Skeet. 

Well, if it ain't the proper thing I'll change it. 

Mollie. 
That's right. You'll find several black ties in old 
Mr. Gilmore's room. ^ 

hKEET. 

All right, I got yon. Miss Mollie, the folks want 
to know if they can dance in the dining-room.'^ 

MoLLIE. 

Why, certainly. The phonograph is in there now. 

Aunt J. 
Is you gwineter dance, Mistah Skeet .'^ 

Skeet. 
You'd better believe it. When it comes to the 
lirht fantastic I'm the pride of the Plumbers' Union. 

Aunt J. 
Where'd you learn how to dance .^ 

Skeet. 
In a correspondence school. {Takes a few fancy 
steps.) Look at that now. Fancy dancers ain't got 
nothin' on me. ,_ 

MOLLIE. 

You'd better hurry and change your tie. It's after 

nine. 

Skeet. 

In a minute. {Runs out at R.) 



86 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

Jubilee, go out on the veranda and tell the folks 
to come in if they want to dance. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. When dat ole talkin' machine gits to 
])layin' a jazz tune, I'm gwine to cut a few fancy 
steps mahself. {Hums a syncopated air and dances 
a few steps. E1.SIE sneezes back of the screen.) 

MOLLIE. 

What was that? . ^ 

Aunt J. 

Sounded like a sneeze. 

MOLLIE. 

It's the cat. Hurry up and call in the guests. 

AUXT J.' 

Yas'm, I'm a gwine. (At C. D.) Dat's do first 
time I ever heard a cat with de infl^uenzy. {Exits 

^' ^•) MOLEIE. 

{Pulling the screen aside.) 
Now you can come out. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted ! „^^ 

I ED. 

We were just waiting. 

MOLLIE. 

Quick : you haven't a minute to lose. Nobody 
nmst see you. ^ 

Why not.? 

"^ MOLLIE. 

Because there's another man here taking your 
place. We didn't think you'd get here. You'll have 
to hide until tomorrow. Then the meeting of the 
directors will take place and everything will be all 
right. 



AND HOME CAME TED 87 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted, Avhat does it all mean? 

MOLLIE. 

Come here. {Rushes Ted hack of desk.) Those 

stairs lead to the basement. Hurr}^ down and don't 

let anyone see you. Why didn't you come on the 

afternoon train .^ ^^ 

Elsie. 

How could we.^ ^ 

lED. 

We were getting married this afternoon. 

MOLLIE. 

Gettins: married.^ ^ 

^ Ted. 

This is my wife. ^ 

We were married at the Methodist parsonage at 

two o'clock. ^r 

Mollie. 

No w^onder you missed the train. 

Ted. 
Can you get us something to eat? 

MOELIE. 

Yes, yes. Only hurr}- downstairs before anyone 
sees you. I'll bring 3'our supper down to you and 
no one will be any the wiser until tomorrow. 

Ted. 
That's all right. We don't want her father to 
know anything about it tonight. 

Elsie. 
But I'd rather not go down in the basement. 

MOLLIE. 

If you knew^ all the trouble Ted has caused already 
you wouldn't stand there arguing the question. Of 
course, if 3'ou want the guests to see you — 



88 AND HOME CAME TEL» 

Elsie. 

^°'"°' Teb. 

Certainly not. ^ 

•^ Elsie. 

The guests mustn't see us. 

Ted. 

For if they do they'll notify the Senator and that 

means trouble. ^ 

Elsie. 

Yes, papa is so impetuous. 

Ted. 

We'll go down in the basement. Anything ! Hurry, 

Elsie. ^ 

Elsie. 

But I'm starving. I haven't had anything to eat 
since lunch. Mollie. 

(At rear C.) 
Quick, someone is coming! (Ted descends,) 

Elsie. 
Please bring us something to eat right away. 
(Elsie descends,) ,r 

^ ^ MOLLIE. 

If I have any more excitement tonight I don't 
think I can stand it. 

Enter Skeet from R., wearing black bow tie, 

Skeet. 
(At R.) 
Well, how do I look now.^ 

MOLLIE. 

(Comes to him.) 
Oh, Skeet, what do you think's happened.^ 

Skeet. 
Give it up. 



AND HOME CAME TED 89 

MOLLIE. 

Ted's come home! ^^ 

Skeet. 

Old stufF, old stuff ! He came home before dinner. 

He's out on the lawn with Miss Diana. I got that 

down fine. You thought you'd catch me, didn't you.^ 

MOLLIE. 

No; I mean the real Ted. 

Skeet. 
Honest? Where is he.^ 

MOLLIE. 

I was nearly scared out of my senses. He's down 
in the basement. ^ 

bKEET. 

Has anyone else seen him.? 

MOLLIE. 

I don't think so. o 

bKEET. 

Then it's all right. Keep him down there until 
after the stockholders' meeting and keep cool. After 
he gets to be president of the Furniture Factory we'll 
be on Easy Street and can snap our fingers at this 
man Ira Stone. It's nice down in the basement. 

MOLLIE. 

I've got to get them something to eat. 

Skeet. 
Them.? Is he twins.? 

Mollie. 
Worse. He's married. That's why he didn't get 
in on the afternoon train. 

Skeet. 
Well, he's here anyhow and that makes his vote 
count at the meeting tomorrow. Couldn't you slip 
him up to Mr. Ryker's room and let him sign his 
name in the book.? 



90 AND HO:VIE CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

Mr. Ryker has mysteriously disappeared. I can't 
understand what made him act that way. Aunt Jubi- 
lee said he jumped through the window like he'd been 
shot and away he went in Stone's car, and I haven't 
seen him since. 

Enter Aunt J. from C. D. 

Aunt J. 
Come on in, folkses, de grand jubilee arenus am 
about to begin. 

Enter Stone and Henrietta from C. D, 

Henrietta. 
{Coming down L,) 
You dance, don't you, Mr. Stone .^ 

Stone. 
Well, I don't brag about it. But if you'll teach 
me, I'll be a good pupil. 

Henrietta. 

Oh, you must be a good dancer. You're so light 

on vour feet. ^ 

Sk:eet. 

{Behind desk to Moleie, who is near him,) 

Just like a ton of coal. 

MOLLIE. 

(UpL.) 
Start up the music. Jubilee. 

Aunt J. 

{At door L,) 

Yas'm. I'm gwine to play a jazz band piece, 'kasc 

ebry time I plays one of dem I jes' naturally can't 

make mah feet behave. {Hums and dances a feic 

steps, then dances out L.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 91 

Enter Man and Diana jrom C. D. 

Man. 

(UpC.) 
Didn't I hear something about dancing? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes. In the dining room. 

{Music off L,) 

Skeet. 
Come on. Miss MolHe ; let's open the ball. 

MOLLIE. 

I can't. I've got a job in the kitchen. {Exits L.) 

Man. 
It sounds good. Shall we try it.^ 

Diana. 
I'd love to. {They dance out at L.) 

Henrietta. 
Aren't you going to ask ine, Mr. Stone .^ I haven't 
danced since I left Honolulu. 

Stone. 
I'll do my best. {They dance out at X.) 

Skeet. 
{Comes to C, looks at audience, pauses, sighs.) 
All dressed up and no place to go. And there 
ain't a dame in sight. 

Enter Miss L. from R. 

Miss L. 

{Posing at R.) 
I thought I heard some music. 

Skeet. 
{To audience.) 
I knew it. Friday always was my Jonah day. 



92 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 

(Minces to him.) 
Are you dancing, Skeet? 

Skeet. 
Not yet. I don't believe I can do this one. 

Miss L. 

Oh, yes you can. It's only one, two, three; one, 
two, three. (Dances in time to music.) See? 

Skeet. 
(Imitates awkwardly, hut not to the point of bur- 
lesque.) 
I got y'. One, two, three ; one, two, three ! 

Miss L. 

And then around like this. (Swings him.) 

Skeet. 
. Wait a minute ! Don't do it so sudden like. You 
wanta give me notice when you do the merry-go- 
round. What is this here dance, anyhow.'^ 

Miss L. 

It's the Banana Slide. 

Skeet. 
It's too slippery for me. 

Miss L. 

Oh, no. (Illustrates.) It's like this. Just a slip, a 
dip and a slide. ^ 

hKEET. 

If I ever do that slip I'll slide all over the floor 
and dip right on my nose. 

Miss L. 

You're just bashful, that's all. What you need is 

a little confidence. 

Skeet. 

What I need is a little Romany Rye. 



AND HOME CAME TED 93 

Miss L. 

Oh, we're missing all that grand music. Come on, 
now! One, two, three! 

Skeet. 
One, two, three! ^^ ^ 

(Grabs him,) 
Now a slip and a one, two, three ! 

Skeet. 
(Dancing,) 
Ain't that heavenly? I could just die doin' this 
dance. (They dance off L.) 

Ted ascends cautiously, looking around. 

Ted. 
It's all right. She isn't here. 

Elsie ascends and comes down C. Ted back of desk, 

Elsie. 
I want an explanation and I want it at once. 
(Tapping foot angrily,) 

Ted. 
Now, Elsie, be a good fellow. Brace up. 

Elsie. 
I won't brace up. I want to know what that 
woman meant by calling you Ted. 

Ted. 
Now, don't start that all over again. I tell you I 
don't know. I never saw her before. 

Elsie. 
She evidently knows you. 

Ted, 
I can't help that, can I? 



94 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
And why has she hidden us downstairs in the base- 
ment Hke a couple of thieves? 

Ted. 
I told you all that before. She hid us down there 
because she didn't want your cousin to see us. 

Elsie. 
She doesn't know I have a cousin. 

Ted. 
Well, I give it up. Oh, darling, can't you be a 
little patient.^ I've got so much to worry me as it is. 

Elsie. 
And so have I. I haven't had anything to eat 
since lunch. {Sees lemonade on counter.) Oh, Ted! 

Ted. 

What is it.? 

Elsie. 

Look there. ^ 

lED. 

The girl evidently brought the first course. 

Elsie. 
{Takes a lemonade and drinks it rapidly,) 
It tastes awfully funny. 

Ted. 
I can't stand lemonade. I hope she is going to 
bring us something else. 

Elsie. 
{Takes another lemonade and starts to drink it.) 
I never tasted lemonade like this before. 

Miss L. gives a sudden scream off L. Ted ducks 
down behind the desk and Elsie rushes back of the 
screen. Music stops. Pause. Elsie sneaks out and 
gets the lemonade and takes it behind the screen. 



AND HOME CAME TED 95 

Enter from L. Miss L. followed by Stone and 

Henrietta. ^^ ^ 

Miss L. 

(Walking up and down agitatedly.) 

Oh, I never was so embarrassed in my life. 

Henrietta. 

You didn't hurt yourself, did you.^ 

Miss L. 

(Limping around.) 
No, I don't think so. Only it was an awful jar. 

Enter Man and Diana supporting Skeet, who 
limps in an exaggerated manner. 

Skeet. 
Oh, oh ! 

Al.L. 

Are you badly hurt ? 

Skeet; 
I dunno but I think I cracked the floor. 

Stone. 

You are limping: .^ c^ 

^ ° Skeet. 

Yes, I know it. I think I broke (pauses, feels 

ankle). ^ 

Others. 

(Bending toward him.) 

Yes, yes? 

Skeet. 

My ankle feels all right. But I know I broke 

something;. ^ 

° Others. 

You broke.? ^ 

Skeet. 

I broke my New Year's resolution. 

Miss L. 

I thought you said you could dawnce all the 
fawncy dawnces. 



96 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
I thought I could, but that, fawncy dawnce was 
too fawncy for me. I got the dip and the slide all 
right, but when I came to the slip, that was me knock- 
out! (Limps to R.) 

Miss L. 
Aren't you coming back and finish It? 

Skeet. 
Nope. It finished me. I'm going to bed. These 
here fawncy dawnces may be all right, but take it 
from me, I'd rather git mixed up in a football slug- 
ging match any day in the week. I see now w^hy 
they call it the Banana dance. I got the slip all 
right, all right. Good-night! {Exit R,) 

Miss L. 

(Goes to Man at L.) 
Teddy, you're a lovely dancer. I'm sure you 
wouldn't let me fall. 

Man. 
(Hesitates.) 
I don't know. I might do worse than Skeet. 

Miss L. 

I'll run the risk. Tell Jubilee to play a slow- 
dreamy waltz. (Takes Man.) Now, one, two, three! 
(They waltz,) My, I could waltz to Paradise with 
you. (Music heard off L.) 

Man. 

Let's reverse and go the other way. (They waltz 
out at L,) 

Stone and Henrietta stroll out at L. Diana 
crosses and sits R. Elsie reaches from screen to get 
the last glass of lemonade, Diana see$ her arm. 



AND HOME CAME TED 97 

Diana. 

(Alarmed.) 
Oh ! (Starts to screen, ) What's that ? 

Elsie. 
Don't look, don't look ! There isn't anyone here. 

Diana. 

I will look. (Removes the screen.) Elsie! 

Elsie. 

Diana ! ^ 

Diana. 

What are you doing here.'^ 

Elsie. 
Drinking a glass of lemonade. (Drinks calmly.) 

Diana. 
But — I don't understand. I thought you were in 
school. Elsie ! What does this mean ? 

Elsie. 
Oh. Diana, I've done an awful thing! 

Diana. 

Not expelled.? ^ 

ji-jLSIE. 

Worse. I've eloped. 

Diana, 

What ! 

Elsie. 

I was married at the Methodist parsonage at two 

o'clock this afternoon. 

Diana. 

Married.? To Lord Vaughan.? 

Elsie. 
Lord Vaughan ! I should say not. You've never 
met my husband. He's from New York. I mec him 
at boarding school. 



98 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 

But think of your father. 

Elsie. 
I won't! Every time I think of father I begin to 
get miserable. And I'm so h-h-happy. (Cries.) 

Diana. 

Oh, Elsie, how could you.^^ 

Elsie. 

You'd have done the same thing in my place. 

(Brightens up,) My husband is the most fascinating 

man I ever saw. ^ 

Diana. 

You should telegraph your father at once. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Diana, he'd be here in an hour or two and 
take me back to school. You know what an awful 
temper he's got. And if he ever catches Ted — 

Diana. 

Ted.? ^ 

Elsie. 

My husband. .^^ 

-^ Diana. 

Is Ted your husband.? 

Elsie. 
Yes. Do you know him.? 

Diana. 

I've seen him, but I never dreamed he was a married 

man. ^ 

Elsie. 

He said he didn't know you. I asked him. 

Diana. 

Your father must be notified at once. At once, do 
you hear.? I never heard of anything so ridiculous. 



AND HOME CAME TED 99 

Elsie. 

It isn't ridiculous, it's lovely. He wears the best- 

lookine: clothes — -^^ 

^ Diana. 

(Interrupting,) 

Elsie, be serious. -^^ 

Elsie. 

I am serious. But there's no use sending a tele- 
gram to papa. He can't do a*nything. It's too 

late — ^ 

Diana. 

He can ! He can have him arrested for kidnapping 

or abduction or whatever you call it. 

Elsie. 

( Triumphantly, ) 

He can't. I'm of age and my husband is of age 

and we're legally married with a ring and a minister 

and everything. And here's the marriage license. 

(Takes it out,) ^ 

^ Diana. 

What will Lord Vaughan say.'^ 

Elsie. 
The Lord only knows. 

Diana. 

You were engaged to him.'^ 

Elsie. 

No, I wasn't, not really engaged. He only 

thouecht I was. ^ 

^ Diana. 

It had been announced in all the papers. 

Elsie. 
I never could marry a man like that. He's over 
forty and he hasn't any front hair at all. 

Diana. 
Oh, I don't know what to do. 



100 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
I'll tell you. Get me something to eat and three 
-i>r four more of those funny lemonades. 

Enter Molly from L. with lunch on tray. 

MOLLIE. 

Here's the lunch. ^ 

Diana. 

Mollie, what does this mean? 

MOLLIE. 

(To Elsie.) 
I thought I told you to stay down in the base- 
ment. ^ 

I1.LSXE. 

I was too hungry. I came up to get my lunch. 

MoLLIE. 

Miss Diana, this is Ted's wife. 

Diana. 
So she told me. ^ _ 

MOLLIE. 

You know her.^ _ 

Diana. 

She is my cousin. ^ _ 

MOLLIE. 

(LooJis at empty glasses.) 

Good eri'acious ! . -r-. 

^ Elsie. 

Wha's ma'r.^ (meaning ''what is the matter?'') 

MOLLIE. 

Those Romany Ryes. Where are they.? 

Elsie. 
Have you lost someone. 

MOLLIE. 

The lemonades. They're gone. 

Elsie. 
Of course they're gone. I drank them. 



AND HOME CAME TED . 101 

MOLLIE. 

All of them? 

iL.LSIE. 

Every drop. (Mollis throws up her hands in 
despair,) And I'm beginning to feel so funny. I 
heard someone dancing up here and I just love to 
dance. (Dances a little, then stops and giggles.) I 
feel so unnecessary, and I feel so funny. 

MOLLIE. 

Funny? You'll feel worse than that in a minute. 
(Takes her arm.) You come up to my room and go 
to bed. ^ 

XL-LSIE. 

Don't want to go to bed. Don't care if I never 
g-o to bed at all. ^^ 

MOLLIE. 

You must. ^ 

lliLSIE. 

I won't. T^ 

Diana. 

Elsie! ^ 

iLLSIE. 

Now don't be mean to me. Pleash remember that 
zlsh ish my wedding day. 

MOLLIE. 

Come to bed. -^ 

Elsie. 

Not till I've had my supper. I haven't had any- 
thing to eat since noon. 

MOLLIE. 

Come with me. I'll bring your supper to you. 

(Leads her to R.) ^ 

^ ^ Elsie. 

I've got to say good-night to my husband. 

MoLLIE, 

I'll say it for 3'ou. 



102 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
Will you? Tha'sh awfully kind of yon. You tell 
my husband good-night. I feel so funny and I'm 
getting sleepy. (Yawns.) Awfully sleepy. 

MOLLIE. 

Come along. Hurry! (Hurries her out at R,) 
Diana is seated down R. Enter Man and Miss L. 

f'""^^- _ MissL. 

And now good-night, Teddy. I'll see you the first 
thing in the morning. , , 

(Mutters.) 

Not if I see you first. 

Miss L. 

What say? ,^ 

•^ Man. 

I said I had an awful thirst. 

Miss L. 

Good-night. I wouldn't go up so soon, but I'm 
afraid little Gertrude isn't well. She had a dreadful 
attack of indigestion just before dinner. (At door 
R.) Good-night, you silly, silly boy! (Throws kiss 
at him, giggles and exits R.) 

Man. 

(Comes down to Diana.) 
What do you say to the next dance? 

Diana. 

(Rises, faces him scornfully.) 
No, thank you. ^^^ 

What's the matter? 

Diana. 
There's no use trying to deceive me any longer. 
I know all about it. 



AND HOME CAME TED 103 

Man. 

You do? ^ 

Diana. 

Yes, I do. I trusted you. I never dreamed that 

you were not a gentleman. 

Man. 
I always try to be. 

Diana. 

Indeed.'^ And what, pray, is your definition of a 

e^entleman ? ^ ^ 

^ Man. 

Are you serious? -^ 

-^ Diana. 

I was never more serious in my life. 

Man. 

What have I done? 

Diana. 

Have you acted the gentleman ? Have you acted 

the man? ^^ 

Man. 

I think I have. ^-w 

Diana. 

You have queer ideas on that subject. What do 
you call a gentleman? 

Man. 

Let me see. A gentleman is a man who takes his 
share of the world and lets other people take theirs, 
a man who is clean inside and outside, who neither 
looks up to the rich nor down on the poor, and who 
can win without bragging and lose without squeal- 
ing, a man who is considerate to women, children 
and old people, who is too brave to lie, too honorable 
to deceive and too generous to cheat. That is a 
gentleman! (Wait for applause.) 

Diana. 

Then you cannot class yourself in that category. 



104 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Isn't that putting it a little strong? 

Diana. 

Not half strong enough. You have deceived me, 
you have deceived Miss Loganberry, you have de- 
ceived everyone. , , 

^ Man. 

I only did it to help Skeet and Miss MoUie. 

Diana. 
And how about Elsie.? 

Man. 
Elsie .f^ Elsie who.? 

Diana. 
My cousin, Elsie M'Corkle. You see I know every- 
thing:. ^ r 
^ Man. 

I don't know what you are talking about. 

Diana. 
You do ! She has confessed all. How can I break 
the news to her father.? 

Man. 
Who is her father.? 

Diana. 
You'll find out soon enough. He'll be here in the 
morning to introduce himself. 

Man. 

Indeed.? ^ 

Diana. 

And Elsie was engaged to Lord Vaughan. 

Man. 

Well, why don't she.? 

Diana. 
Whv don't she what? 

Man. 
Marrj^ him. 



AND HOME CAME TED 105 

Diana. 

How can she when she married you this afternoon? 

Man. 
I beg pardon? j^ 

Don't try to deceive me any longer. I've seen her 
and talked with her. She tried to shield you but I 
finally learned the whole truth. Your wife is waiting 
for you upstairs in Mollie's room. 

Man. 

My wife ! T^ ' 

-^ Diana. 

Your wife. ,^ 

Man. 

But there's some mistake. I haven't any wife. 

Diana. 

Didn't you elope with Elsie this afternoon? Didn't 

you marry her at the Methodist parsonage at two 

o'clock? T... 

Man. 

If I did, I didn't know it. 

Diana. 

This is no time for cheap wit. I tell you I know 
everything. She has confessed. 

Man. 

But it's a mistake. I didn't marry her, honest 

I didn't. -^ 

Diana. 

(Horrified, recoiling from him.) 

You didn't marry her? 

Man. 

(Coming toward her.) 

Of course not. ^-^ 

Diana. 

Don't touch me, don't come near me, you — you 

beast ! 



106 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Beast? ^ 

Diana. 

Oh, you villain. You ran away with her and she 

thinks she is your wife. You coward ! I'll telegraph 

her father at once. t., 

Man. 

But— ^ 

Diana. 

Don't speak to me. Don't you dare to speak to 

me. Oh, if I were a man I'd horsewhip you. 

Enter Mollie from R. 

Man. 

Mollie can explain. 

Diana. 
Mollie, I must drive over to the telegraph office 
at once. Is the car outside.? 

Mollie. 

Yes, my car is, but it's so late. You'd better wait 

until tomorrow. ^x 

Diana. 

I won't wait. I'll not sleep a wink until I have 
exposed this man. (Crosses to door C.) He told me 
he wasn't married to Elsie at all. Oh, the disgrace, 
the disgrace! {Exit C. D,) 

Man. 
What does she mean? 

Mollie. 
Ted eloped with her cousin this afternoon. They 
were married at two o'clock. That's why he missed 

the train. t. -. 

Man. 

Then he's here? , , 

Mollie. 

I hid him in the basement. His wife is asleep in 

my room and everything is all right. You sign up 



AND HOME CAME TED 107 

for him and he'll be elected president of the company 

tomorrow. ^^ 

Man. 

And what will happen to me? 

MOLLIE. 

You can explain everything. Diana is a sensible 
girl. She'll listen to you in the morning. 

Max. 
She'll listen to me tonight. (Goes to C. D.) 

M01.LIE. 
What are you going to do.'^ 

Man. 
I'm going to prove that I am a gentleman. That's 
all. (Exit C. D.) 

Ted appears behind the desk. 

Ted. 
Did you get it.'^ The supper, I mean. 

M01.LIE. 
(Down R,) 

^'- ■ . T.B. 

Where's my wife.^ ^^ 

•^ M01.1.IE. 

Her cousin discovered her. She's upstairs in my 

room. 

iED. 

I'll go up and see her. 

MOLLIE. 

You'll do nothing of the sort. 

Ted. 

Why not? 

^ M0LI.IE. 

Because the guests mustn't see you. 

Ted. 

What do I care for the guests? I want my wife. 



108 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

You can't have her. She's sound asleep. 

Ted. 
And I want something to eat. 

MOLLIE. 

Go down in the basement and I'll bring it to you. 
After the stockholders' meeting tomorrow everything 
will be all right. You'll be the president then and 
can do what you please. 

Ted. 

I don't know what j^ou are talking about .'^ 

]\I0LLIE. 

Neither do I, so you haven't got anything on me. 
Listen ! Someone is coming. Quick, down in the 
basement. ^ 

iED. 

It isn't the Senator, is it.^ 

MOLLIE. 

Who's the Senator? 

Ted. 

He's Elsie's father and his temper is worse than 

a wounded lion's. , .. 

Mollie. 

Then hurry down in the basement. 

(Pushes him to counter.) 

Ted. 
But I don't want to. 

MOLLIE. 

Do you want him to see you.'^ 

Ted. 
Who? 

MOLLIE. 

The Senator. ^ 

Ied. 

Great day, no! Is he here? Then hide me in the 



AND HOME CAME TED 109 

basement or in the attic or under the kitchen sink — 

anywhere. ,, 

-^ Mollis. 

Quick, they're coming. (Ted descends,) 

Enter Stone and Henrietta from L, 

Henrietta. 
{Coming down stage C, not seeing Mollie, who is 

up L.) 
It must be frightfully late. 

Stone. 
{Close to Henrietta.) 
I never knew an evening to pass so quickly. 

Henrietta. 
You do say the sweetest things! Do you know, 
Mr. Stone, I never met a man before who impressed 
me so favorably on short acquaintance. 

Stone. 
{Bows and kisses her hand.) 
And I never met a more charming lady. 

Mollie. 
Oh, mumma, pass the mush! 

Henrietta. 
Oh, Miss Mollie, I didn't know you were there. 
I want to speak to you. I have some jewels and a 
precious little box in my satchel upstairs. Do you 
think they'll be safe? It's some shares of stock in 
the Furniture Company. 

Stone. 
In our Furniture Company, Miss Darby. 

Henrietta. 

Yes. I'm going to sell them at the meeting to- 
morrow. 



no AND HOME CAME TED 

Stone. 
Good ! Will you give me the first chance to bid on 
them? I'll pay more than anyone else. 

Henrietta. 
We'll talk it over in the morning. Will my satchel 
be safe upstairs, MoUie? 

MOLLIE. 

(Down C) 

The house is only responsible for articles left in 
the safe. Henrietta. 

Oh, have you a safe? I'm so glad. My little 
keepsakes mean a whole lot to me. I'll bring them 
down. (Exit R.) ^^ 

(Crosses to door L. and calls,) 

Jubilee ! 

Aunt J. appears at door L, 

Ma'am? ^^^^ ^' 

M01.LIE. 

I wish you'd prepare a little lunch for me. Three 
or four sandwiches, a couple of pieces of pie and a 
glass of milk. I'll have to sit up late. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. (Exits at L,) 

Stone. 

(UpC.) 
So you expect to sit up late, do you, MoUie? 

MOLLIE. 

(Down L.) 

^^^' Stone. 

(Coming down C.) 
Poor girl! You still think you can hoodwink me, 
do you? 



AND HOME CAME TED 111 

MOLLIE. 

(At L. C.) 

What d' y' mean hoodwink? 

Stone. 
{Close to her, speaks savagely,) 
I mean that unless your precious Ted has an in- 
terview with Ryker tonight and signs the book that 
I will be elected president of the company tomorrow. 

MOLLIE. 

Mr. Ted's got the controlling interest, hasn't he? 

He's got fifty shares of stock, hasn't he? And he's 

here now, isn't he? ^ 

Stone. 

Oh, yes, he's here all right, but he's got to sign 

Ryker's book and Ryker seems to have disappeared. 

MOLLIE. 



Oh, no, he hasn't. 
Then where is he? 



Stone. 

MOLLIE. 

He's upstairs. ^ 

Stone. 

He's not upstairs and you know it. He wasn't 

here at dinner and he isn't anywhere about the place. 

I've made a complete investigation, Mollie. And so 

after all your pains you've lost the game and I take 

the trick. ,.. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, go away and leave me alone. Aren't you sat- 
isfied with the misery you have caused me already? 
What have I ever done to you? Why are you hound- 
ins; me this way? ^ 

^ '^ Stone. 

I don't wish to hound you, Mollie. All I want 
is the control of the Furniture Company, and believe 
me I'm going to have it ! 



112 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

(With great energy,) 
You are not ! If I have to go to the village and 
drag Jim Ryker back here by the hair of his head. 
My fighting blood is up, Ira Stone, and I defy you! 

Enter Diaxa from C. D, 

Diana. 

Mollie, what's the matter.^ 

MOLLIE. 

Nothing, Miss Diana. I'm only a little upset, 
that's ail. Did you send your telegram.'^ 

Diana. 

Yes. The Senator will be here the first thing in 
the morning. I'll go up and look after Elsie. Good- 
night, MolHe. (Ea:it R.) 

Stone. 
Elsie.? Who's Elsie? 

Mollie. 
One of the guests. If you want to go to your 
room, Mr. Stone, don't let me detain you. 

Stone. 
I'll go to my room when I get good and ready. 

Enter Jim Ryker from C. D., disguised as an old 
man, long tan coat, old-fashioned plug hat, white 
wig and chin whiskers, large spectacles. He walks 
with a cane, is bent over and disguises his voice. 
Note: The audience must not recognize him as Jim. 

Jim. 
Evening, folks! ^^ 

* MOLLIE. 

(Goes behind desk.) 
Good evening, sir. 



AND HOME CAME TED 113 

Jim. 
This is the Rip Van Winkle Inn, ain't it? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes. sir. ^ 

Jim. 

Then I want to get a room fer the night. 
Enter Man from C. D. He stands at rear, 

MOLLIE. 

All right. -J. 

I started to drive down to town tonight, but my 
old bay mare Susannah balked on me and I don't 
'low I'll do much travelin' till mornin'. Got a good 
room, have yp^ ,r 

^ MOLLIE. 

Yes, sir. {Takes a key from the rack.) I'll show 

y°" '^P- Jim. 

{With hand hack of ear.) 
Hey.? {Pronounced "hay.'') 

MOLLIE. 

{Down C. to him.) 
I'll show you your room. 

Jim. 
Yep. I want a room. Of course. What d' y' 
think I wanted, a stall.? 

MOLLIE. 

{At R. C.) 
Right up the stairs. 

Jim. 

Hey? MOLLIE. 

{Loudly.) 
I said right up the stairs. 

Jim. 
Pairs.? What fur.? 



114 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

(Comes down between Jim and Mollie.) 

Give me the key, Mollie. I'll take him up. {Leads 

Jim to R,) ^ 

^ Jim. 

Did ye unhitch Susannah.'^ 

Man. 

Yes, I put her in the stable. 

Jim. 

H^y- Man. 

No, I didn't give her any hay tonight. I'll feed 
her in the morning. Come on. 

Jim. 
(Places plug hat on the desk,) 
Ain't I got to register? 

Mollie. 
(Pushes register to him,) 
Right there. j 

Where'll I write? (Puts on spectacles.) 

Mollie. 
(Loudly,) 
Right there. j 

Here? (Points to line,) 

Mollie. 

Yes! ^ 

Jim. 



On this line 


Mollie. 




(Loudly,) 


Yes! 


Jim. 


Above it er 


below it? 



AND HOME CAME TED 115 

Man. 

(Beside him.) 
Sign your name right there. (Points,) 

Jim. 

My full name.? ,.- 

-^ Man. 

(Yells,) 

Yes! T 

JIM. 

(Takes pen slowly, looks at it, pauses, then lays it 

down, ) 

I can't write. " , 

Man. 

Never mind, it'll cost you five dollars just the same. 

Jim. 

«^y-^ Max. 

Five dollars! (Yells,) Five! 

Jim. 

Alive.'^ Of course I'm alive. Did y' think I was 

dead ? ^^ 

Man. 

I said five! (Counts on his fingers.) One, two, 

three, four, five ! ^ 

Jim. 

(To MoLLiE, who is at his L.) 

What's he tryin' to do.^ Talk deef and dumb to 

me? I can't talk thataway. (Shakes his head at 

Man, who pantomimes for him to follow him up- 

stairs.) Excuse me, mister, I didn't know you was 

deef and dumb. It must be aw^ful to be afflicted like 

that. 

Jim and Man are down stage at R. Mollie up 
L. C. Stone down L, Enter Henrietta from R. 
carrying jewel box. 



116 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
(Goes to MoLLiE.) 
There it is. Miss MoUie. Are you sure it will be 
safe ? , _ 

MOLLIE. 

Of course. (Mollie and Henrietta go to safe.) 

Ted appears back of desk, unobserved, watching 

them, 

Henrietta. 

That little box contains my stock in the Furniture 

Company. Some day, maybe tomorrow, it will be 

worth a lot of money. 

MoLLIE. 

I'll put it right here in the corner. (Puts box in 
safe, closing safe door, but not locking it.) 

Jim. 
Wall, I reckon I'll go to bed. (Ted disappears.) 

Man. 

Right this way. (Leads him to door R.) 

Jim. 

Straw ! (Jerks him out at R,) 

Henrietta. 
(Crossing to R.) 
Good-night, Mr. Stone. Until tomorrow. 

Stone. 

Pleasant dreams. ^^ 

Henrietta. 

Good-night, Mollie. 

MOLLIE. 

(UpC.) 

Good-niffht. ^^ 

" Henrietta. 

I've had such a pleasant evening. (Exit R.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 117 

Enter Aunt J. from L. with lunch on tray. 

Aunt J. 
Here's de lunch, Miss Mollie. 

MOLLIE. 

Put it on the desk. Jubilee, and then lock up. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. (Puts lunch on desk, draws shades, locks 
C. Z>.) ^ 

^ bTONE. 

I really feel sorry for you, Mollie. You're a plucky 

little Irishman and you've put up a good fight, but 

this time I happen to hold the winning cards. (At 

door R.) Old ]\Ian Gilmore treated me like a dog 

and put me out of the factory, but tomorrow when 

the votes are counted you'll find I have the control. 

Then I'll run things to suit myself. (Laughs.) Too 

bad Mollie, that your friend Ted can't sign My. 

R3^ker's book tonight, isn't it? But I rather think 

I'm the winner now. Whenever I make up my mind 

to get a thing, I generally get it. (Laughs and 

exits R.) T,-. 

Mollie. 

I wish you'd make up your mind to get the small- 
pox. (Sits down L.) 

Aunt J. 
(Gets candle from behind desk and brings it to 

Mollie.) 
Everything's locked up now. Miss Mollie. Yere's 
your candle. Is you goin' to bed.^ 

Mollie. 
(Rises slowly,) 
Yes, Jubilee, I think I will. (Lights candle,) 

Aunt J. 
Dis shore has been a strenuous day, Miss Mollie. 



118 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

Indeed it has. Put out the lights. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. {Turns out all the lights on the stage. 
Note: Every light in the house must he out, nothing 
illuminating the scene hut Mollie's candle,) Good- 
night, Miss Mollie. {Exits L.) 

MOLLIE. 

I'll just leave the lunch on the counter and Ted 
can get it when he wants it. Well, I guess I'll go to 
bed. {Yawns.) This has certainly been a strenuous 
day for Mollie. Mr. Ryker is sure to be back in the 
morning and then I'll tell him everything. Maybe 
Ted can sign the book and get control of his grand- 
father's factory after all. {Yawns,) My, but I'm 
sleepy. {Goes to R.) Skeet seems just as anxious to 
put one over on Stone as I am myself. {Pause,) Or 
maybe it's me he's interested in. I wonder if he is. 
He's a nice boy, an awfully nice boy, and his heart is 
as big as all outdoors. {Yawns,) Well, there's 
plenty of work to be done tomorrow, but he'll help 
me. I can always depend on Skeet, and he and I can 
outwit a dozen such men as Ira Stone. Skeet and I! 
{Pause,) I wonder if he likes me. 

{Sudden noise heard at window,) 
{Whispers.) What's that? {Blows out the candle^ 
the stage is in total darkness,) 

(Jim opens the window at rear, ^'Creepy'' music) 
There's someone trying to get in at the window. And 
it's broken. {Listens,) 

(Jim appears at window with electric -flashlight,) 
Oh! (Mollie hide$ behind chair at R.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 119 

Jim climbs in at window. He wears a long black 
coat and black slouch hat, A dark handkerchief 
conceals the lower part of his face. Note: The audi- 
ence must not recognize the intruder, so be careful 
not to allow the flashlight to shine on him. He 
flashes light around stage, but does not see Mollie. 
He goes to safe and kneels at it, Mollie creeps 
up C, until she is immediately behind him. Take 
plenty of time for this action. Suddenly INIollie 
throws both arms around Jim's neck, forcing him 
backward to the floor. She screams loudly. They 
struggle on the floor, Jim with the jewel box. ]\Iol- 
LiE screams again. Jim pushes her to floor, rushes 
to window, jumps through and makes his exit. 

Aunt J. enters zmth lighted lamp. Stage lights 

up a little. 

Aunt J. 

(At L,, screaming.) 

Help, fire, murder, police, burglums, burglums, 
burglums ! 

MOLLIE. 

( Rises quickly, ) 
Where did he go? 

AUXT J. 

Right through the window. 

Music changes from mysterious to '^hurry,'' Enter 

Skeet from R, dressed in slippers and pajamas, his 

hair rumpled. 

Skeet. 

What is it? 

MOLLIE. 

Quick, quick, through the window! 

(Skeet grabs the plug hat from the desk, dons it^ 



120 AND HOME CAME TED 

rushes to window and jumps through, Aunt J. and 
MoLLiE watching him breathlessly,) 

Curtain. 

Second Picture: Aunt J. and Mollie looking out 
of window. 

Third Picture: Aunt J., Mollie and Skeet bow- 
ing to audience. Note: No other characters appear 
at this time, as the audience must not be allowed to 
suspect the identity of the robber. 

Curtain. 



AND HOME CAME TED 



The Third Act. 

Scene — The same as for Acts I and II, but it is now 
9:30 a. m., the next morning. The room is in 
order, the safe is closed. Strong yellow light 
through C. D, and window. 
Discovered: Aunt J. sweeping and singing. 

Aunt J. 
{Singing to a ''made-up'' tune,) 
Old Mistah Skeeter got bit by a bee, 
He turned around and bited a flea, 
Flea bit a gnat, gnat bit a jigger. 
Den de whole menagerie done bit a nigger. 
(Ted raps on floor behind desk with a stick.) 

Aunt J. 
(Alarmed.) 
What's dat? (Ted raps again.) It's down in de 
basement. (In frightened whisper.) It's spooks ! Oh, 
lawsy, lawsy, burglums las' night and spooks dis 
mawnin'. It's sure time for dis yere 'spectable col- 
ored lady to git herself another situation. (Ted 
gives three distinct knocks on floor.) Um! Um! Jes' 
listen at dat. (Backing toward L., her eyes on count- 
ter,) I'm sure gwine to go while de goin' is good. 

Enter Moleie from L. Aunt J. bumps into her 

and screams loudly. 

M01.1.IE. 

What's the matter, Jubilee? What is it? 

Aunt J. 

'Deed an' I dunno what it is. Spooks er burglums 

er sumpin'. Miss Mollie, I likes you and I likes de 

121 



122 AND HOME CAME TED 

place, but I cert'n'y ain't got no love for excitement, 
and burglums is bad enough, Lawd knows, but now 
yere comes some spooks a pestigat'm 'round. 

MOLLIE. 

What are you talking about? 

Aunt J. 
De spooks. ^-. 

^ MOLLIE. 

What spooks? . ^ 

^ Aunt J. 

Dat's what I dunno. I was jes' a sweepin' 'round 

yere ca'm and peaceful like, when all ob a sudden I 

yeerd it. Yas'm, I yeerd wif mah own ears. 

MOLLIE. 

Heard what? , ^ 9 

Aunt J. 

I dunno what. It jes' went boom-boom, dataway 

down in de basement. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, you heard a noise in the basement? 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm, only it was worse 'n a noise. Sounded like 
ole Brother Gabriel blowin' his big horn trumpet 
for de Judgment Day. 

M01.LIE. 
Did you look and see what it was? 

Aunt J. 
Who, me? No, ma'am ! No, ma'am! When I yeers 
a noise like dat all mah curiosity jes' naturally oozes 
out ob me. t... 

MOLLIE. 

There isn't any spook in the basement. Jubilee. It 
must have been your imagination. 

Aunt J. 

Imagination? No'm, it hain't dat, 'kase your im- 
agination don't go rappin' and bangin' round boom- 



AND HOME CAME TED 123 

boom. When mah imagination gits to actin' dataway 
I'm cert'n'y gwine to see a doctor. 

MOLLIE. 

You go into the dining room and finish waiting 
on the table and I'll see what's in the basement. 

Aunt J. 

Lawsy, Miss MoUie, don't you go down there. 
'Kase dey ain't no tellin' what's gwine to happen If 
you does. M01.1.IE. 

Never mind, Jubilee. You go Into the dining 

^^^^- Aunt J. 

(Crosses to L.) 
Yas'm, I'm gwine, but harken to mah words, Miss 
MoUie, and don't you have no trouble wif dat boom- 
boom down In de basement. We's all liable to wake 
up yere some mawnin' and find ebry las' one ob us 
murdered plum dead wif our throats cut off^. Yas'm, 
and den what's we gwine to do.^ {Exit L. muttering.) 

M01.1.IE. 
(Goes behind desk and raises trap,) 
Come up. There's no one here. 

Ted ascends. 

Ted. 

Where's my wlfe.^^ ,.. 

-^ M01.1.1E. 

Upstairs. She's all right. You needn't worry 

about her. rjy^^ 

(Starts to R.) 
I'm going to see her. 

MOLLIE. 

(Pulls him back.) 
You're going to stay right down there In the base- 
ment until Ira Stone leaves this house. 



124 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 
I won't. Pm going to my wife. I don't care who 
sees nie. I don't give a hang for the Senator. Noth- 
ing can separate us now. We're married. 

MOLLIE. 

The police are looking for you. 

Ted. 
Police ? ^ r 

MOELIE. 

Yes, the police. You'd better give up that jewel 
case. 

lED. 

I don't know what you're talking about. 

MOEEIE. 

Oh, yes you do. Miss Darby's jewel case w^as 
stolen last night. It contained her shares of stock 
in the Furniture Company. Didn't you take it.^ 

Ted. 
Of course not. What do I w^ant wdth shares in a 
Furniture Company. All I want is my wife and to 
get back to Washington. 

MOLLIE. 

Washington.^ Aren't you going to stay here and 
manage the company .^^ 

Ted. 

I most certainly am not. I'm not going to manage 
anvthine^. ^^ 

^ MOLLIE. 

There was an awful scene last night. Diana Gar- 
wood has telegraphed to Elsie's father. 

Ted. 
Is he here.^ ^r 

MOLLIE. 

He'll be here this morning. 



AND HOME CAME TED 125 

Ted. 
That settles it. I'm going to Washington. 

MOLLIE. 

He'll be here in ten minutes. 

Ted. 
Then in ten minutes I'll be gone. 

MOLLIE. 

Nonsense ! You'd better go back in the basement 
and keep cool until he leaves. 

Ted. 
But I want — ,.. 

MOLLIE. 

Never mind what you want. 

Ted. 
(Yells.) 
I want my w^ife. 

MOLLIE. 

I'll send her down. 

Ted.^ 

And I want my breakfast. 

MOLLIE. 

It's on the way. Hurry, someone is coming? 

Ted. 
Please get me something to eat. (He descends,) 

Enter Stone from L. He wears auto cap, gloves 

and goggles. 

Stone. 

Well, MolHe ! 

Mollie. 

No, I'm sick a-bed. 



126 AND HOME CAME TED 

Stone. 

(At L. C.) 

Still got a grouch on, have you? Well, I don't 

blame you. 

Enter Skeet from L. 

MoLLIE. 

Are you getting ready to give up your room ? 

Stone. 
For the present, yes. Your little plan didn't work 
very well, did it? The young man arrived on time 
all right, but unfortunately the attorney didn't show 
up and the register hasn't been signed. That lets 
your friend Ted out. He won't be allowed to vote. 
Too bad, and I can run things as I please with my 
forty votes. Pretty soft for me, isn't it? I'm going 
down to the village and learn what became of Mr. 
Ryker, the attorney. {Exit C. D.) 

Skeet. 
Gee, it 'ud be a lucky thing fer us if somebody 'ud 
touch a match to his gasoline tank. {Goes hack of 
desk,) 

Enter Diana and Miss L. from L. 

Miss L. 

{Chattering excitedly.) 
A robbery right here in the hotel ! I simply can't 
get over it. And me with nearly sixty dollars and 
my grandfather's gold watch under my pillow. 

Diana. 

{Goes to MoLLiE at R,) 
Have you heard anything more about the burglar, 
Mollie? 



AND HOME CAME TED 127 

MOLLIE. 

No. The police from the village have been here, 

but they know as much about catching a burglar 

as the Ladies' Aid Society of the Congregational 

Church. 

Diana. 

How is Elsie this morning.? 

MOLLIE. 

still sound asleep. 

Miss L. 
(Coming to C.) 
Elsie.? Who is Elsie.? 

Diana. 

My cousin. Mr. Gilmore's bride. 

Miss L. 

(Very much eoccited,) 
Mr. Gilmore.? Not Ted? (Grasps Diana's arm,) 
Ted Gilmore isn't married, is he.? 

M01.1.IE. 
(Positively,) 
Yes, he is. At two o'clock yesterday afternoon at 
the Methodist parsonage. 

Miss L. 

(Totters toward chair,) 
Oh, I'm faint. (Sinks in chair,) Water, water! 
(Faints,) 

Skeet rushes off L, Diana and Mollie fan Miss 
L. Skeet enters with glass of water, Mollie 
sprinkles Miss L's face, 

Mollie. 

There ! 



128 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 

(Opening her eyes,) 
Where am I? 

MOLLIE. 

Just where you have been for the past forty years. 
Single and unattached. 

Miss L. 

Oh, the perfidy of man! (Rises.) I never want to 
look upon his deceitful face again. (Crosses to R. 
in towering rage.) Married, is he? Oh! And I 
let him call me Cutie. 

MOLLIE. 

Where are you going? 

Miss L. 

I am going to pack my things and leave at once. 
Do you think that I'd remain under the same roof 
with such a man ? Married ! Oh, and I even intended 
to give up little Gertrude for his sake. (Exits R. 
hanging door after her,) 

Skeet. , 

(At rear with Mollie.) 
Gee, I hope nobody ever acts that way about me. 

MOLLIE. 

Don't worry. They won't. 

Enter Man from L. He goes to Diana at R, C, 

Man, 
Diana ! 

Diana. 
Don't you dare to speak to me! I've just seen an- 
other instance of your perfidy. 



AND HOME CAME TED 129 

Man. 

But you don't understand. 

DiAXA. 

I understand entirely too much. Your wife is up- 
stairs and her father will be here in ten minutes. 

Man. 
But listen to me. I can explain everything. 

Diana. 

You can explain to Elsie and you can explain to 
her father. (Crosses to R,) Perhaps you can explain 
to poor Miss Loganberry, who's been faithful to you 
for seven years, but you can not explain to me. 

(Exits R,) MOLLIE. 

(Comes down C. to Man.) 
Don't worry, sir. You'd better go and talk to 
her. Tell her the truth. There's no use trying to 
deceive them any longer. We might just as well 
pack up our things and leave at once. 

Man. 
Leave ? Why ? , ^ 

^ MOLLIE. 

Because Mr. Ryker isn't here and Ted hasn't 

5?igned the book. ^-. 

^ Man. 

Oh, don't worry about a little thing like that. I 

signed the book last night. 

MOLLIE. 

You did.? 

bKEET. 

But that's forgery or something, in the first de- 

^ MOLLIE. 

Wasn't it dangerous.? 

Man. 
What do we care for a little danger? Mr. Ryker 



130 AND HOME CAME TED 

h ready to come back to the Imi just as soon as you 
get rid of the lady from Honolulu. 

MOLLIE. 

Miss Darby? Why? 

Man. 

He said he Avouldn't appear until she left. 

MOLLIE. 

That settles Miss Darby. She'll have to go at 
once. Where is she, Skeet? 

Skeet. 
In the dining room. 

MOLLIE. 

Tell her I want to see her. 

Skeet. 

Sure. ( Exits L.) «, 

^ ^ Man. 

I think I'll go out on the tennis court and work 

off a little surplus energy. {Goes to C. D,) 

MOLLIE. 

You'd better see Miss Garwood and tell her every- 

^^^"S- Man. 

I'll see her at lunch. {Exit C. D.) 

Enter Henrietta from L. ^NIollie comes down 

to R, C. ^ 

Henrietta. 

Have you heard anything of my missing bonds, 
Mollie? 

MOLLIE. 

Not a word. ,, 

Henrietta. 

Let me see! Where were you standing when you 

heard the noise at the window last night? 

MOLLIE. 

{Assumes same position as at end of the second act,) 
Right here. I was just going to bed. 



^ 



AND HOME CAME TED 131 

Henrietta. 
Were the doors locked? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes. Aunt Jubilee locked them and put out the 
lights. Then she went out there. (Points to door 
L.) And I was over here. 

Henrietta. 

In the dark.'^ ^, 

MOLLIE. 

No, I had a lighted candle. All of a sudden I 
heard a noise at the window^ and I blew the candle 
out. Then I crouched down here and a man opened 
the window and got in. 

Henrietta. 

I see. That's how you knew it was a man.^ 

MoLLIE. 

It felt like a man. 

Henrietta. 
Could 3^ou see him? 

MOLEIE. 

Not very plain. He had a flashlight, but he didn't 

see me. He went over there to the safe and knelt 

down. I slipped up behind him and grabbed him 

around the neck. ^^ 

Henrietta. 

That's how you knew it was a man? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes. I pulled him back on the floor. Just there. 
And then I screamed. 

Henrietta. 
Did he have mj^ jewel box then? 

MOLLIE. 

Yes. Aunt Jubilee came running in with a lighted 
lamp. He jerked away from me and jumped out of 
the window. 



132 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
You didn't find any clews, did you? 

MOLLIE. 

Not a thing. We looked everywhere, on the floor 
and on the desk and all over the room. 

Henrietta. 
Where was Skeet.'^ 

Mollie. 
He came in just after the man jumped out of the 
window. He grabbed a hat from the desk and 
jumped out after him. 

Henrietta. 
Did he see anything.? 

MOLLIE. 

No, the man had completely disappeared. 

Henrietta. 
And my stock in the Furniture Company with him. 
You didn't miss anything else, did you.? 

Mollie. 

Not a thing. There wasn't anything else in the 

safe, except some old books and papers and he didn't 

touch them. ^^ 

Henrietta. 

Where was Mr. Stone.? 

MOLLIE. 

l^pstairs, I guess. 

Henrietta. 
Well, he's the party I suspect. 

Mollie. 
He wouldn't have the nerve to get mixed up in a 
safe robbery. Ira Stone is mean enough to do mosi 
things, but when it comes to real dirty work he 
always hires a crook. 



AND HOME CAME TED 133 

Henrietta. 
You know how anxious he was to buy my shares 
last nie^ht. ^, 

^ MOLLIE. 

Where did you get those shares, Miss Darby? 

Henrietta. 
They belonged to my late husband. 

M0LI.IE. 
Oh, then you're a widow. 

Henrietta. 
. I was a widow. Just now Fm a wife. You see 
I married ae^ain. ,^ 

^ MOLLIE. 

Oh! ^ 

Henrietta. 

Last 3^ear I met a rich young lawyer from the 

States and we were married. 

MOLLIE. 

That's good. ^ 

^ Henrietta. 

But it didn't turn out very well. 

MOLLIE. 

That's bad. 

Henrietta. 

My first husband was fickle, very, very fickle. 

MOLLIE. 

Did you ever catch him flirting? 

Henrietta. 
(Laughs.) 
Catch him flirting? Sure. That's how I caught 
him. 

MOLLIE. 

That's bad. 

Henrietta. 

He was a man of some wealth. 



134 AND HOME CAME 1 ED 

MOLLIE. 

That's 0;ood. _^ 

Henrietta. 

But we were married only a short time when he 

was drowned. ,, 

MOLLIE. 

That's bad. ^^ 

Henrietta. 

But after three or four months I met another 

young man. We fell in love at first sight. 

Mollie. 

That's good. 

Henrietta. 

And I married him. But this one is not a very 

wealthy man. ^^ 

MOLLIE. 

That's bad. 

Henrietta. 

So I came over here to the States to see if I <^ould 
realize anj^thing on the stock in the Furniture Com- 
pany. And now it has been stolen. Oh, I don't 
know what to do. ^, 

MOLLIE. 

You might go down to the village and put it in 
the hands of the detectives. 

Henrietta. 
But you said they were no good. 

MOLLIE. 

Why not telegraph to the city for a secret service 

man.? 

Henrietta. 

That's a good idea. 

Mollie. 

Or go down to New York for the day and bring 

a detective back with you tomorrow. 

Henrietta. 
Yes, I might do that. 



AND HOME CAME TED 135 

MOLLIE. 

I'll see if the car is ready. If it is you can leave 
at once. (Exits C. D.) 

Aunt J. appears at door L, 

Henrietta. 
She seems awfully anxious to have nie leave. I 
can't understand it at all. She acts very suspicious. 

Aunt J. 
You don't think Miss MoUie stole your papers, do 

^ ' Henrietta. 

No, of course not. 

Aunt J. 

'Kase she didn't. I saw her on the floor and the 
burglum a-climbin' out'n dat winder. 

Henrietta. 
What did he look like, Auntie.'* 

Aunt J. 
Lawsy, 'deed an' I dunno. I jes' seed him run, 
dat's all. I dunno what he looked like 'kase jes' 
about dat time I f rowed mah apron over mah head 
and went into de high-sterics. And I'm sliore gwine 
to git me another situation. iVfter what I ii>(^Q(\ las' 
night and what I yeerd dis mawnin', dis yere place 
am gittin' too spookatorious for me. 

Henrietta. 
This morning.'^ What did you hear this morning.^ 

Aunt J. 
Ghostesses, dat's what I yeerd. Down in de base- 
ment under dat desk. Dey groan, aaah ! jes' dat- 
away, and den dcy go boom-boom, poundin' on d' 
trap-door, boom-boom ! jes' dataway. 



136 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
Did you hear that this morning? 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. Boom-boom! jes' dataway. 

Henrietta. 
Then someone is concealed in the basement. 

Aunt J. 
Dat's what I's tryin' to 'tell Miss Mollie, but she 
'low dat Fs mistaken. 

Henrietta. 

I understand it all ! Whoever stole my stock is hid 

in the basement. . 

Aunt J. 

Stole your which? Is dey done stole your stock- 
inets, too? Tx 
^ Henrietta. 

No, no. My stock in the Furniture Company. 
Mollie has been bribed and has hidden them in the 
basement. That's why she is trying to get rid of 
me. The burglar is in the basement. 

Aunt J. 
Lawsy, lawsy! Is he? And all mah blackberry jam 
and watermillion pre-serves down there! 

Enter Mollie from L. 

Mollie. 
(To Henrietta.) 

Are you ready? ^^ 

*^ Henrietta. 

^ ' Mollie. 

To go to the village. The car is out in front 
waiting for you. 

Enter Skeet from C D. 



AND HOME CAME TED 137 

Skeet. 
Do you want me to drive her down, Miss Mollie? 

Henrietta. 

(At R.) 

No, it won't be necessary. I've decided to stay 

here. I think I have a better chance of recovering 

my stolen property here at the hotel than anywhere 

else. 

MOLLIE. 

But Pve rented your room. 

Henrietta. 
Rented it. ^ 

MOLLIE. 

You gave It up, you know. I've put Mrs. Gilmore 

in there. ^^ 

Henrietta. 

Can't I have another room.^ 

Mollie. 
I'm sorry, but everything is taken. 

Henrietta. 
It looks as if you were trying to get rid of me. 

Mollie. 

(Nervously.) 

Not at all. I only want to help you recover your 

property. ^^ 

^ ^ -^ Henrietta. 

That's just what I'm going to do, and I'm going 

to stay right here. 

Mollie. 

But there isn't any room for you. Now listen, 

Miss Darby, and I'll tell you the truth. I didn't 

want to alarm you, but one of the guests is sick and 

I'm afraid it is something contagious. You had 

better go to the village at once. 



138 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
{Down R,) 
Oh, I'm not afraid. 

MOLLIE. 

(At C.) 
It might be the scarlet fever. 

Henrietta. 
I was vaccinated a month ago. 

Skeet. 

(Behind desk.) 
Where? ^ 

(The ladies all look at him in astonishment. He 
bends over ledger and works furiously.) 

Henrietta. 
(After a slight pause.) 
In the doctor's office in San Francisco. 

MOLLIE. 

It's the yellow fever. 

Aunt J. 
(At L., who has been bending forward listening with 
increasing terror, throws up her arms.) 
Yaller fever. Good-night! (Sinks in chair at L,) 

MoLLIE. 

(To Henrietta.) 
Now, really, I — 

Henrietta. 
Oh, don't try to think up any more excuses. I'm 
not going and there's an end of it. I think that man 
Stone stole my stock in the Furniture Company and 
I'm going to stay here until I can watch him. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, well, if you feel that way — 



AND HOME CAME TED 139 

Henrietta. 
That's just the way I feeL I'll go upstairs and 
pack up, but I'll camp In here until I know what has 
become of my property. {Crosses to R.) 

MOLLIE. 

{Following her.) 

But— ^ 

Henrietta. 

If necessary I'll telegraph to my husband. 

MOLLIE. 

AVhich one of them? 

Henrietta. 
My last one, of course. Mr. Rj^ker is dead. 

MOLLIE. 

Ryker? Did you say Ryker.^ 

Henrietta. 

Yes. He was my first. Poor Jim. He went for 

a midnight swim on the shores of Waikiki and was 

drowned. He always was such an impetuous man. 

{Exit at R.) 

^ ^ Mollie. 

No wonder Mr. Ryker won't come back until she 

leaves. ^ 

hKEET. 

I don't get it at all. Why won't he.? 

MOLLIE. 

Because she's his widow. 

Skeet. 
His widow .f^ Why, he ain't dead. 

MOLLIE. 

She thinks he is and has married again. Oh, this 
is a pretty mix-up, Isn't It? He won't come and she 
won't go and I'm at the end of my string. 



140 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
(Very much frightened, comes to Mollie.) 
Miss Mollie, who is it dat's got de yaller fever and 
de smallpox and all dem ailments? 

MOLLIE. 

No one, Aunt Jubilee. That was just my imagi- 
nation. . 

Aunt J. 

Honest.? ^^ 

Mollie. 

Of course. . ^ 

Aunt J. 

Miss Mollie, I likes you, and I likes de Rip Van 
Winkle Inn, but I jes' naturally got to protect my 
repitation. I'm a 'spectable member of de Afro- 
American Mefodis' Church, I is, an' I can't be stayin' 
yere in a place mixed up wiv burglums an' hants and 
3^aller fever and smallpox, so's I's jes' naturally 
obliged to resign. It jes' plum scan'lous yere. Miss 
Mollie, scan'lous, perfec'ly scan'lous. (Exits at R. 
muttering,) ,-. 

Worse and more of it. Now Jubilee is going to 
leave me. I don't know what to do. 

Skeet. 
Buck up, jMollie. You still got me. 

Mollie. 
Yes, but suppose — 

Enter Diana from R. hurriedly. 

Diana. 

]Mollie, uncle is here. I saw him from the window 

upstairs. ,, 

^ Mollie. 

Uncle ? T-. 

Diana. 

Yes. Senator M'Corkle. He's Elsie's fatl.ci 



Hey? 



AND HOME CAME TED 141 

You'd better go upstairs and warn her, for uncle 
looks excited and whenever he's excited something 
horrible alwaj'^s happens. (Exits C D.) 

Enter Jim from R. disguised as the old man. He 

crosses down to table L. C, tal^es a pack of cards 

from pocket and begins to play solitaire, Skeet 

comes down to him. 

Jim. 

(Looks up at Skeet.) 

Fine mornin', ain't it.? 

Skeet. 

Sure. I'm goin' down to the village. Want a 

ride ? ^ 

Jim. 

(With his hand behind his ear,) 

Skeet. 
(Loudly,) 
Want to take a ride? A ride! 

Jim. 

Inside? Inside what? 

Skeet. 
(Yells.) 
I said did you want to take a ride? 

Jim. 
Nope. I gotta bad case of rheumatism, I have, 
and I cal'late I'll set 'round the house a spell today. 
It's kinder dampy outside. Wanter play keerds? 

Skeet. 
Naw, I ain't got time. (Exit at L.) 

Jim. 

I hke a good game o' solitary myself, ef folks 'ud 
only quit pesterin' me. 



142 AND HOME CAME TED 

Enter Diana and Senator M'Corkle from C. D, 

Senator M'Corkle. 
Where is she? I want to see her at once. Diana, 
didn't you say she was here? 

Diana. 

She's upstairs asleep. Now don't you worry, 
uncle. She's all right. 

Senator. 

And where is the man? (Savagely,) Just let me 

have a sliort talk with him. That's all. What's his 

name ? ^ 

Diana. 

His name is Teddy Gilmore. 

Senator. 
Well, where is he? Where is he? I want to see 
him, d'y' hear? I want to see him. 

Diana. 

He's not here. ^ 

Senator. 

Not here? Has he run away and left her already? 

MOLLIE. 

(Behind desk.) 
Oh, no. But I don't think you can see him just 
now. He's very busy. 

Senator. 
He won't be too busy to see me. Where is he, I 

^ ' Diana. 

(At window.) 
He's out on the tennis court, uncle. There he is. 
(Points off stage.) ^^^^^^^ 

(Looking out of window.) 
That fellow in white? 



AND HOME CAME TED 143 

Diana. 

^^^* Senator. 

(Dubiously.) 

H'm ! He's bigger than I thought he was, but I 
Avant a few words with him. Just let me see him faco 
to face, that's all. (Exits CD.) 

Diana. 

I'll go up and warn Elsie. Oh, what a terrible 
day. (Exit at R.) ^, 

•^ ^ ^ MOLLIE. 

Terrible? I'd call it worse than that. (Comes down 
to Jim.) I'm so nervous and excited that I don't 
know whether I'm standing on my head or my heels. 

Jim. 
(Looks up.) 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, it's you, is it.? You'd better go upstairs. 

Jim. 
Hey? MoLLiE. 

(Loudly,) 
You'd better go upstairs. We've got to clean up 

in here. Clean up ! ^ 

^ Jim. 

Clean up.? You think you kin clean me up playin' 

keerds? Come on and try it. 

MOLLIE. 

(Throws up her hands in despair.) 
Oh, what's the use? (Gets dinner bell from desk.) 
Say, if you want anything just ring this bell. 

Jim. 

^^y- MOLI^IE. 

(Screams.) 
Bell, bell, bell ! 



144 AND HOME CAME TED 

Jim. 
(Shocked,) 
What kinder language is that from a nice young 
gal like you? Shame on you! 

MOLLIE. 

If 3^ou need anything ring this bell. (Gives it to 

^^™-) Jim. 

(Puts it on table.) 
All right. I'd jest like to play a game of solitary 
if folks wouldn't keep pesterin' me. (Plays cards,) 

MOLLIE. 

(Back of desk.) 
Ted, Ted ! You can come up now. 

Ted ascends, 

Ted. 
Where's my wife? ,^ 

^ MOLLIE. 

I'll send her to you. The stockholders' meeting is 
to be at eleven o'clock. After that and the directors' 
meeting you'll be the president and can do as you 
please. rj.^^ 

I don't know what you're talking about. I want 
my wife and I want to get back to Washington just 
as soon as possible. ^, 

^ MOLLIE. 

We'll talk about that later. 

Ted. 
Please go up and tell Elsie I'm here, or let me go 

^P- MOLLIE. 

I'll send her down. (Exits at R.) 

Ted. 
(Comes down to Jim.) 
Say, you'd better go to your room. 



AND HOME CAME TED 145 

Jim. 

""''' . .T- 

Get out ! My wife is coming. You'd better beat 
it. {Loudly,) Beat it! 

Jim. 
Eat wPiat.^ I don't see nothin' to eat. 

Ted. 

{Takes his arm,) 

Come on upstairs. 

^ Jim. 

Wanter have a game of keerds.^ 

Ted. 

No! ^ 

Jim. 

T hcerd ye. All right. I'll keep on playin' soli- 
tary and I wish folks 'ud quit pesterin' me. {Plays 

Enter Elsie from L, 

Elsie. 
Ted! {Rushes to him.) 

Ted. 
Elsie! {Embraces her,) 

Elsie. 
Where have you been.^ 

Ted. 

In the basement. _, 

Elsie. 

Let us get our things and leave this horrid place 

at once. ^ 

Ied. 

In a minute. Say, you don't look well, darling. 

Elsie. 
Well? I'm a nervous wreck. Ever since I drank 
those lemonades last night I've been feeling wobbly. 



i 



146 AND HOME CAME TED 

Oil, I wish we'd never come to this Inn. Diana tele- 
graphed to papa and he's here now. 

Ted. 
Here? Where? _, 

I don't know. ^ 

iED. 

Get your hat and we'll leave at once. I don't want 
to meet papa just at present. 

Elsie. 
(Sobs on his shoulder.) 
Oh, Teddy, I'm so m-m-miserable. 

Ted. 
{Consoling her.) 
There, there, we'll go at once. Poor little girl. 

Enter Senator from L. 

Senator. 

What's this? Elsie! 

Elsie. 

(At C.) 

It's papa. ^ 

Senator. 

(Thunders.) 

Who is that man? (Elsie embraces Ted.) Release 

my daughter! ^ 

JljIjSIE. 

I don't want to be released. This is my husband. 

Senator. 
(At L., astounded.) 

What! 

Elsie. 

(Faces him defiantly.) 

I said that this is my husband. 



AND HOME CAME TED 147 

Senator. 
How many husbands have you got? I just left 
your husband m there. {Points to C D,) 

Elsie. 
(Bewildered,) 
Out there.? (Points to C. D,) 

Senator. 
That's what I said, and he's been making love to 
half the women on the place. There's an old maid 
he's been engaged to for seven years. She's having 
hysterics out on the lawn. 

P^LSIE. 

My husband.? Engaged for seven years.? To an 

old maid? ^ 

Senator. 

That's probably why he brought you here. 

Elsie. 

(Turns to Ted.) 

Oh, you brute. ^ 

Senator. 

And now I find you in the embrace of this young 

scoundrel. ^ 

Ied. 

(Comes between them, faces Senator.) 

Sir! „ 

Senator. 

Don't you try to bluff me. How dare you embrace 

another man's wife? ^ 

lED. 

Elsie. 
(Pulling Ted around to face her,) 
And how dare you be engaged to an old maid for 
s-s-seven years ! Oh ! This is too much. ^ 



148 AND HOME CAME TED 

Senator. 
{Pulls Ted around to him,) 
How dare you speak in this manner to my daugh- 
ter? Who in thunder are you? 

Ted. 

(With his face close to the Senator's.) 

She's my wife! ^ 

Senator. 

She is not. Her husband is out there on the 

veranda. _ 

lED. 

It's a lie. I'm her husband. I'm the only husband 

she's e^ot. ^ 

^ Elsie. 

The only one I ever had. (Sobs,) Now I wish I 

didn't have you. Engaged for seven years to an 

o-o-old maid, and you told me that I was your 

f-f-first and only 1-1-love. 

Senator. 
He's out there. Come on and face him and if 
he don't thrash you, I will! (Drags Ted to L., Elsie 
puts her arms around Ted's waist and tries to drag 
him to R. Ted pushes S^Eis^ATon against Jim's table, 
Jim for the first time looks up from his game; he is 
frightened and rings the bell violently. All talking 
at once saying anything appropriate. Note: These 
speeches must be written out and this scene rehearsed 
thoroughly,) ^ 

(Yells.) 
Don't vou hit me! (Raises chair to protect him- 
self.) 

Enter Man from C, D. He comes down L, 

Elsie. 
Father, take me away, take me away. He's in love 



AND HOME CAME TED 149 

with another woman. (Sobs on her father's shoul- 
der as Ted is raving down R.) 

Senator. 
There, there, go to your husband. (Passes Elsie 
*^ Max.) '^j^^. 

(Tries to soothe her.) 
There, there! ^^^^^ 

(Indignantly.) 

Let me alone. You're not my husband. I don't 

know you from Adam. 

Man. 

You don't .^ Well, I'm dressed differently. 

Senator. 
Are you or are you not my son-in-law.^ 

Man. 

There's been a mistake somewliere. Senator. There 
stands 3'our son-in-law. (Points to Ted.) 

Elsie. 
That's what I said all along. 

Senator. 
(Goes to Ted.) 
ilay I ask your name.^ 

Ted. 
Certainly, papa. My name is Frederick Carpen- 
ter. 

Senator. 

Not the son of F. X. Carpenter of Washington.^ 

Ted. 
Yes, sir. Do you know him.'^ 

Senator. 
(Shakes hands icith Ted.) 
Know liim.^ I should say I do. I'd rather have you 
for a son-in-law than twenty men like Lord Vaughan. 



150 AND HOME CAME TED 

E1.SIE. 

(Clinging to Ted's arm.) 

And so would I. ^ 

Jim. 

Now, ef the storm is over I'd be iniich obliged to 
you folks if you'd lemme finish my little game of soli- 
tary. (Plays solitaire.) 

Enter ^Iollik (mcl Diaxa from li. and Stone 
from C. D. 

Eesie. 
Teddv, I believe you've been more sinned 'dgiixinsi 
than sinning. I forgive you ! 

Stone. 
(Comes dozen C.) 
Teddy! Is that Teddy.? 

E1.SIE. 
That's wliat I call him. 

MOLEIE. 

(AtL.) 
Yes, tliat is the real Teddy. What have you got 
to say about it.? g^^,.^ 

(At C.) 

I say it's a bunco game and you're all a bunch of 

swindlers. Your Ted evidently didn't arrive in time 

to sign the register and so you tried to pass off this 

man as a substitute. (Points to Man, who is up L.) 

Man. 

(Coming dozen to L. of Stone.) 
Tried.? I think she succeeded. 

Stone. 

But what good did it do.? The lawyer has disap- 
peared and you failed to sign his book last night. 



AND HOME CAME TED 151 

Man. 

Oh, no, I didn't. I signed that all right. 

Stone. 
Impossible. How did you get the register.? 

Man. 

Mr. Ryker and I had a nice long chat last night 
in his room. I signed the book and am now ready 
after the meeting to take charge of my Furniture 
Company. If you don't believe it, ask my friend here. 
(Points to JjM,) ' jj^^ 

(Looks up from game, his hand behind ear.) 
Hey? 

(Senator, Ted and Elsie, up B., look on xcith 
much interest,) ]\I\n 

(Loudly, to Jim.) 
They want to know if I signed the register last 

"ight- Jim. 

(Emphatically.) 
Yep. He signed the book all right. I know lie 
did. 'Cause I seen him when he done it. 

Stone. 
(Angrily crosses to Jim's table, leans over it.) 
And who in thunder are you.'^ 

Jim. 
(Looks up at him innocently.) 

Hey? Stone. 

(Loudly.) 
I said what is your name.? 

Jm. 
(Rises, faces Stone.) 
My name (changes to his natural voice) is Jim 
Rj^ker. (Throws off wig.) 



152 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoLLiE and Stone. 

Mr. Ryker! 

•^ Jim. 

Hev^ 

{Down L.) 
But why {pause) — I thought you — {pause). 
What did you dress up Hke that for? 

Jim. 
In order to be here on time to get Ted's signature 
and yet not be recognized by my wife. 

Stone. 

Your wife? ^ 

Jim. 

The lady from Honolulu. She's my widow. 

M01.1.IE. 
She thinks you are drowned. She's married again. 

Jim. 
Yes, I know. I had an interesting little scene with 
her upstairs. She thought I was a ghost. 

M0LI.IE. 
But she's committed bigamy. She's got two hus- 
bands. ^ 

Jim. 

Oh, no. Nothing as bad as that. I got a divorce 
several months ae^o. ^^ 

^ MOLLIE. 

Where is she now? ^ 

Jim. 

On her way to the village. 

]MoLT.IE. 

After her stock in the Furniture Company. 

Jim. 
Oh, no. That was my stock. That's why I robbed 
the safe. 



AND HOME CAME TED 153 

]MoLLiE AND Others. 
You? You robbed the safe. 

Jim. 
Sure. I was just recovering m}' own property. 

Stone. 
(At L. C, turns to Max, who is now C.) 
You say you signed the register last night .'^ 

Man. 

I did. c, 

Stone. 

Then you are a forger. You had no right to sign 

it at all. It should have been signed by Ted Gihnore. 

Jim. 
(At R, C.) 

Hey.? c 

•^ Stone. 

It should have been signed by the real Ted Gil- 
more, -r 

Jim. 

(At L. C.) 
It was signed by Ted Gilmore. (Points to ]Max.) 
He's the real Ted Gilmore ! 

Stone. 
More trickery. (Points to Ted.) There stands 

Ted Gilmore. ^ 

Ied. 

Oh, no. My name is Frederick Carpenter. 

Elsie. 
And I just call him Ted for short. 

Jim. 
I've known Ted Gilmore for the past ten years 
and I'll take oath that that is the man. (Points to 
Man.) 



154 AND HOxVIE CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

{Down L.) 

I don't understand. 

Man. 

(At C.) 

It's the truth. I am the real Ted Gilmore. 

MoLLIE. 

You are.? Then why did you — (pauses), 

Man. 

Just a Httle romantic adventure. I accepted a 
job up here just to be near the old place and look 
over the ground. Yesterday I met a young lady 
who wanted to meet a hero, so I decided to give her 
a chance. That's all. 

Diana. 
(Down L. with Mollie.) 
Then you are not the hero of the tunnel ! Another 

Enter Skeet from L, 

Skeet. 

(In doorway at L.) 

Oh, yes he is. He's the man who pulled me out of 

the tunnel. ^^ 

Mollie. 

And he's the man who pulled me out of the hole. 

Jim. 

And he's the new president of the Furniture Com- 
pany. (To Stone.) And that let's you out. 

Skeet. 

(Goes to Stone.) 

Your room's taken by another party. So you're 

checked out. (Hands h'nn his hat.) There's your 

hat, so what's your hurry? (Escorts him to C. D.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 155 

Come around sometime next week and take a look at 

our Furniture Factory. (Pushes him out C. D.) 

Good morning ! 

Jim. 

I think I'll go and clean up. (Crosses to R.) I 

think every little detail has been attended to and 

things are straightened out at last. (Exit R.) 

Man. 

(Goes to Diana.) 
Can you ever forgive me? 

Diana. 
And you're not Elsie's husband.^ 

Man. 

I'm not anybody's husband (pauses, loolcs at her 

significantly) yet. 

Diana. 

Well, if my friends Mollie and Skeet can vouch 

for you, I think (pauses). 

Man. 

Yes.? ^ 

Diana. 

(Runs up to CD.) 

I'll meet vou on the tennis court. (Runs out 

C. D.) ,, 

^ jIan. 

(FoUorcs her gaily.) 

And I'll be right there. Believe me! (Exit C. D.) 

Ted. 
I wonder if I can get anything to eat. 

Senator. 
There's a lunch all ready in the dining room. I 
ordered it for Elsie's other husband. Come on. 
(Exits L.) 



156 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 
Hungry, Elsie? ^^^^ 

Awfully. I haven't had anything to eat since I've 
been married. But I'm just as happy as I can be. 
(They go out at L.) 

MOLLIE. 

Well, it's all coming out right in spite of every- 
thing. 

Skeet. 

Sure it is. And there ain't another girl in tlic 
whole State of New York who could have put the 
thing through like you did. Say, Mollie — 

^loEEIE. 

Hum.^ (With closed lips.) 

Skeet. 
I dunno if I can say it er not. (Clears throat.) 
Ahem ! My throat is so dry I can hardly whistle. 

Mollie. 
Don't whistle. Just say what you started out to 

^' Skeet. 

Do y' mean it.^ Say, Mollie, d' you think y' could 

learn to love me without straining yourself too 

much.? (She starts to speak.) Wait a minute! Don't 

answer yet, I ain't strong enough to bear it. I never 

talked like this to a girl before. Mollie, I ain't got 

much salted away in the bank. Only three hundred, 

that's all. Do you think you could? You know what 

I mean? ^^ 

Mollie. 

Yes, Skeet, I know what you mean and I think 

I could. o 

hKEET. 

Honest ! (Starts to embrace her.) 



• AND HOME CAME TED 157 

Enter Miss L. from K. 

* 

Miss L. 

Whj^, Mollie — Skeet, I'm astonished. 

MOLLIE. 

So am I. I never was so astonished in mv hfe. 

Miss L. 

You should never kiss a young lady like that. 
Kiss her hand. c, 

bKEET. 

Her hand? I jes' as soon kiss a punkin. 

Miss L. 

The idea ! ^ ^ 

MOLLIE. 

Is it against the law? 

Miss L. 

Xo, I suppose not. 

Skeet. 

Then put your shawl over your eyes and what j^ou 
don't see won't hurt you. 

Miss L. 
The idea! (Flounces out at R.) 

Skeet. 
She meant that kissing is liable to carry germs. 
Do vou think vou can catch things by kissing, 
Mollie? / ^, 

MOELIE. 

Maybe. I might have caught a millionaire. 

Skeet. 
What 'ud you sa}- if I'd kiss your hand? 

MOLLIE. 

I don't know. (Pauses,) I think I'd tell you to be 

more ambitious. 

Skeet. 

Mollie! (Embraces her as curtain falls.) 

Curtain. 



For the Love of Johnny 

BY 

Harry Hamilton 

A PLAY, in 3 acts; 6 males, 3 females. Time, 2V4 
hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 1 exterior. In his orig- 
inal manuscript the author called this play "a 
play of human hearts," and a page of description could 
not better explain its character. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Ethel Banks The Niece 

Harriet Banks The Aunt 

Dorothy Banks The Daughter 

Dick Wayburn The Coward 

Jerrymeyer Banks The Uncle 

Phil Osborne The Soldier 

John Turkey-Legs The Indian 

Father Ryan The Priest 

Johnny Banks The Nephew 

Mr. Woods The Stranger 

Around an intensely dramatic situation, the author 
has woven a human throbbing story abounding in 
clean and clever comedy and genuine pathos. We do 
not love all the characters the way we do Ethel and 
Johnny but we are not indifferent to any for they 
are all intensely human. We follow the Cinderella-like 
form of Ethel through the play with tears and laugh- 
ter; we fear Dick Wayburn; our hearts are won by 
the courage and unselfishness of Father Ryan; we 
grow fat laughing at Phil, the returned soldier; John 
Turkey-Legs inspires within us a wholesome respect 
fcir the native Red Man; Uncle Jerry wins our sym- 
pathy and forgiveness; we admire Dorothy, and we 
finally take back all we said about Aunt Harriet when 
in the last act she renounces the domestic trousers 
she has worn all through the play. No play since 
"The Parish Priest" or "The Rosary" has had a more 
appealing character of a priest than that of Father 
Ryan. A professional play, successful on the road, 
within the scope of talented amateur players. Stage 
directions and business unusually complete. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty often dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



When Smith Stepped Out 

BY 

Harry Osborne 

A COMEDY, in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Time, 
about 2 hours. Scene: 1 interior throughout. 

"Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith." 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

William Horace Smith Uncle Bill 

George Smith His Nephew 

Richard Keene A Detective 

Bob Stanley A Wooer 

Mrs. George Smith Nellie 

Muriel Armitage Her Younger Sister 

Miss Winslow A Spinster 

Hilda The Maid at the Smith's 

Did you ever stop to think how dangerous it is to 
carry a loaded revolver? Dear, old, absent-minded 
Uncle Bill Smith, from Australia on a visit, starts 
something difficult to finish when he steps out for 
his evening walk with a revolver in his pocket. He 
innocently robs a man of his watch, loses his hat, 
gives the detective a merry chase, almost sees the 
inside of a jail and just escapes the matrimonial 
clutches of a desperate spinster. He all but breaks 
up one peaceful home but starts another by getting 
a bashful lover to propose and in the end has everyone 
stepping about as lively as the kangaroo from his 
native Australia. It all happens quickly, laughingly, 
mysteriously and thrillingly. After two hours of fast 
fun the audience will discover that melancholy, indi- 
gestion and worries have all stepped out with the 
sick detective who left just as the curtain dropped. 
No star part, but strong characterization through- 
out, easily within the range of amateurs. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty often dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



Assisted By Sadie 



A 



Walter Ben Hare 

COMEDY of mystery, in 4 acts; 6 males, 6 females. 
Time, 2^^ hours. Scenes: 2 easy interiors. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Alonzo Dow The Mysterious Clubman 

Cameron The Clever Detective 

Bunch The Slangy Bellboy 

Dr. Beedle The Old Professor 

Colonel Jenniver The Puzzled Hotel Manager 

Mr. Null : The Young Millionaire 

Sadie The Stenographer 

Harriet The Society Girl 

Senora Gonzales The Fascinator 

Mrs. C. Christopher Carley The Peppery Dowager 

Vicky The Debutante 

Mrs. Quinn The Maid 

This is a swiftly moving ingenious comedy of adven- 
ture, sparkling with humor and replete with mystery. 
Excitement, laughter and a mounting tensity of emo- 
tion are blended with the charm of a delightful style. 
A $20,000 pearl necklace is stolen at a large seaside 
hotel. This is followed by other crimes until the detec- 
tives and incidentally the audience find themselves in 
a maze of intrigue and mystery from which they are 
not extricated until the final curtain and then only 
with the assistance of Sadie. Into the pervading 
comedj^ scenes are blended pathos, serious action and 
incident until the audience wonders what will happen 
next. The twelve characters are about equally bal- 
anced. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of ten dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents. 



T. S« Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



^o 



Plays for Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

By Charles Ulrlch. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 
2 hours. * Price, 25 Cents. 

THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS CONTENT 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 12 fe- 
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RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW 

By John W. Postgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 act; 
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SAVAGELAND 

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SHADOWS ' 

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SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedietta; 7 females. Time, 30 
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STAR BRIGHT 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 
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A TRIAL OF HEARTS 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 4 acts; 6 males, 18 fe- 
males. Time, 2^/4 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. Denison & Companyy Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



X-220 



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they are fresh and original matter, each 
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books are finely made, clear print, good pa- 
per and each has a most attractive, indi- 
vidual cover design. One of the best and 
most complete entertainment series pub- 
lished. 

Paper Binding Only, Price 35 Cents Each 
Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



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